Lies, half-truths, and hy­giene de vie.

The McGill Daily - - Contents - @BURNSIDEBASEMENT-SOUPECAFE69


Johnny Vyanse, a U3 His­tory and Lin­guis­tics stu­dent, is e xcited to be­gin his new Hy­giene de V ie ac­tion plan af­ter read­ing a r ecent in­ter­view with Deputy Provost Stu­dent Life and Learn­ing Ol­livier Dyens.

Johnny, who has spent the last sev­eral hours chant­ing “HY­GIENE DE VIE, IS WORK­ING FOR ME!” at vis­i­bly un­com­fort­able tour groups in the M clen­nan lobb y, is adamant that the plan is the balm to all of his prob­lems. “I t’s some - thing I was hes­i­tant to try at first, ” he told the D aily, “but I fi­nally made the leap . I mean, I w ould have never known that caf­feine is a study drug!”

Johnny’s busy sched­ule led him to dra­mat­i­cally change his habits . As the pr es­i­dent of a de­part­men­tal as­so­ci­a­tion and a r es­earch as­sis­tant, he strug­gles to han­dle the stres­sors of stu­dent life , which is ex­ac­er­bated b y his fairly sev ere anx­i­ety. The start of the fall se­mes­ter thr ew a wr ench in his men­tal health, as he w as sud­denly faced with writ­ing an hon­ours the­sis and ap­ply­ing for grad­u­ate school.

“He’s a com­plete fuck­ing mess”, says one of his friends. “He’s in five cour­ses be­cause his visa runs out this year, and I’m pr etty sure that hasn’t slept for lik e, the past thr ee days. Yes­ter­day I caught him run­ning around Provigo tear­ing open bags of cof­fee grounds.”

The Hy­giene de Vie ac­tion plan is com­prised of man y in­di­vid­ual steps: eat­ing and sleep­ing well, ex­er­cis­ing, man­ag­ing time ef­fec­tively, and ab­stain­ing from per­for­manceen­hanc­ing drugs lik e Ri­talin and Jin­gle Jan­gle, as well as cof­fee and cig­a­rettes. Johnny in­sists that as a stu­dent who doesn’t have the time to do an y of these fuck­ing things , the ac­tion plan will ben­e­fit him.

“I just don’t know why I didn’t think of it sooner,” he pro­claims as he picks wal­nuts out of a Pre­miere Mois­son sand­wich - his sixth this week. “Lik e, to off­set the ef­fects of be­ing too busy and men­tally ill to eat w ell, sleep reg­u­larly, and sched­ule things in adv ance… I just need to eat w ell, sleep reg­u­larly, and sched­ule things in adv ance. It’s so sim­ple, but bril­liant.” Zoloft is out –only Ol­livier Dy ens’ Hy­giene de V ie ac­tion plan will pro­duce real change.

Johnny’s friends , ho wever, have their reser­va­tions. “H e quit smok­ing cold tur­key, and it doesn’t seem to be do­ing him much good, ” says one of his class­mates. “Also, he asked me to look o ver his ap­pli­ca­tion for this MA pro­gram in Toron- to, but in­stead of re­spond­ing to the prompt he wrote a dis­ser­ta­tion on the vi­a­bil­ity of y oga as a univ er­sal so­lu­tion for psy­chi­atric dis­or­ders.”

An­other e xpressed con­cern at Johnny’s sud­den shift in at­ti­tude . “I have ADHD, and he’s re­ally been a prick about my Ad­der­all pr es­crip­tion,” she con­fided to the Daily. “He keeps telling me that I can’t rely on per­for­mance -en­hanc­ing drugs as a sub­sti­tute for main­tain­ing a good hy­giene de vie, what­ever that fuck­ing means . He also w on’t stop send­ing me links to Buz­zfeed lists for kale smoothie ideas.”

Johnny’s reg­u­lar clin­i­cian at Mcgill Psy­chi­atric Ser­vices had this to say : “Who?” [we de­scribe Johnny to her , and it seems to jog her mem­ory] “Oh, yeah. In all hon­esty all of m y pa­tients kind of run to­gether at this point. I mostly see him to giv e new pre­scrip­tions. I told him that he couldn’t just go off his meds on a whim but he didn’ t lis­ten. It went ter­ri­bly. H e ended up com­ing in for a safety ap­point - ment. The poor bas­tar d jumped the fr ont desk when w e told him there was no space left for the day.”

Psy­chi­atric Ser­vices re­cep­tion­ists cor­rob­o­rated this . “H e tor e down our ‘ choco­late is cheaper than ther apy’ poster. It was fuck­ing cus­tom-made on Etsy. Do y ou know how much that shit costs?”

Johnny r emains hope­ful de­spite his clearly de­te­ri­o­rat­ing emo­tional wel­fare. At the time of pub­li­ca­tion, stu­dents were seen quickly shuf­fling away from him in Schulich as he snorted chia seeds off his desk, sob­bing un­con­trol­lably, the ab­so­lute wreck.

Ol­livier Dy ens ev aded all re­quests to com­ment. We chased him from James A dmin to the M cgill metro sta­tion but he’ s just so fast. Why is he so fast.

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