Parents may go for ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’

Dearamy: Myboyfriend “Don” andihave decided that I’ll be moving to where he lives as soon as I finish gradschool in a fewmonths (finally!). We’replanning to live together with our two dogs.

Thetrouble is that myboyfriend’s parentsdonot approve of their children living with a significant otherbeforemarriage. Theyare wonderful people andhave been nothingbut welcoming to me, but in their conservative, Southern, Christian worldview, such an arrangement simply isn’t proper.

Intruth, Don’s two brothers have both secretly lived with their significant others, andhis parents either didn’t knowor (more likely) chose to pretend not to know.

Inour case, however, his parents knowi’ll bemoving across the country to live nearhim, andwe have a feeling that theymight inquire aboutmy living situation. Donandi are planning to spend Easter with his family, and questions aboutmy imminent move are likely to comeup.

Howshouldwehandle this? Should he take his parents aside beforeeaster andlet themknow that we’ve decided to live together andwe’dlikethemto respect that?

Should I be a part of this conversation? Should hemention it casually andhope they don’t blow up? Or shouldweallowthemthe samecourtesy that Don’sbrothers didby adopting a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy? — SOONTOBECOHABITING Dearsoon: Donshould tell his parents about these plans well before Easter. He should assume that his older brothers havemore or less paved theway, enablinghimto behavemore openly then theyhave.

Telling his parents gives all of you the option of completely avoiding or ignoring the issue at Easter dinnerandcarrying oninthe best tradition of “don’t ask, don’t tell” by pretending that a fact is not a fact.

If his parents control himthrough their disapproval andthe fear of blowingup, this does notbode well. Lying about your life is no “courtesy.”

Dearamy: I’min high school. We are all starting to drive.

One of my friends hasher learner’s permitandisdriving herself places without an adult in the car. Sometimes shehas friends in the car while she is driving. She’ll drive herself to andfromschool andout to lunch. Her parents are oblivious.

Another friend of minehashad her licence for six months. She is giving rides to another one of my friends, which is against the lawin mystate.

I understandhowcool it is to be driving alone orwith friends without parents, but I knowbetter than to doany of this. I worry that if I don’t try to do somethingandif something badhappens, it will be my fault.

Butwhat ami supposed to do? Half my class is doing this. If I tell my counsellor ormy parents, my friends will hateme for telling, and my class will, too!

— WAITINGFORSOMETHING TOHAPPEN

Dear Waiting: Your worries are completely appropriate.

According to thecenters for Diseasecontrolandprevention, motor vehicle crashes are the leading cause of deathfor teens ages 15 to 19. Crashes are highest during the first year a teenhas a license.

Thesedeaths (and350,000 injuries each year) are preventable — andadultswhoclose their eyes to graduated licensing lawsare responsible.

Thefact that such ahigh percentage of your peers ignores these lawsgives you cover. Talk to your folks.