Man’s partner has intimate relationship with another man
ASK AMY
For the past two years I have been in love with a wonderful woman. When we met she explained that she was good friends with a man she met 16 months before. They had a sexual relationship, but she decided it would end. However, after making this decision, they fell back into sex while on a combined family vacation.
She has always claimed that while dating me, she has not wanted to have a sexual relationship but only a friendship with him.
She speaks with him daily, sometimes sleeping over at each other’s house, including her children (ages 23, 16 and 12).
Her children and he are close. Her oldest hangs out with him and his friends at parties.
I have decided to accept this relationship, even though I don’t understand it. I struggle often with my relationship with her children.
I have been in education for more than 25 years. I will sleep over on Saturday, with her children and their friends present, and then on the next day, he is over doing the same.
I feel confused about understanding her relationship with him and how “ours” is affecting her children. She explains that this is normal and I am being petty. Please advise. — RELATIONSHIP CONFUSED
Dear Confused: Let me spell this out for you. Your woman is engaged in an intimate relationship with her male friend, and whether or not it is sexual at this point, it seems to be more intimate than the one she has with you. And by the way, people don’t “fall into sex” on vacation the way you fall into the lake. Choices are being made that are explained away as accidents.
What she is proposing is something like an “open” relationship, where she can have two intimate partners. You should realize this and either get on board or get out.
As it is, she is gaslighting you by insisting that something you don’t like and don’t understand is “normal.” It might be normal for her, and she seems to be teaching her children that it is normal for them, but if you don’t like it, then that’s all that counts.
Do not ask her to choose between you (she won’t) — but do leave the relationship if you don’t like its current structure.
I’m responding to the letter from “Divided Family.” I want him to know that sometimes a family estrangement is best for everyone.
It’s been 13 years since I last spoke to my Dad and I’m better off without him and his issues. — STILL GRIEVING
I’ve also dealt with family estrangement. It is quite painful, and, unfortunately, quite common.