Old flame keeps burning
Q
. I’m wondering how much contact with an old flame is appropriate when you’re in a married relationship.
My wife is keeping in touch with her first love and I worry that she still has feelings for him.
She has shared personal information with him about our relationship, letting him know when we’ve been having problems with our marriage or children.
Although I realize I can’t control who my wife sees and talks to, I feel like this is disrespectful to me. Especially when she has said she’s not interested in marriage counselling.
A.
What’s “appropriate” in serious relationships, is best decided by mutual agreement. But that’s not happening here.
You’re right that partners should not try to “control” each other’s contacts. But you’re also right that she’s being disrespectful to you by sharing private and sensitive information about your marital and family problems.
Of course, we know that best friends sometimes do confide that stuff. However, one’s “first love” is not the most neutral bestie.
And her divulgences can subtly (or not so subtly) be encouraging both of them to fondly “remember when…”
In other words, it can be taken by him as a sign of interest on her part, even if she’s convinced herself that she’s safe to confide in her past lover.
Now, the question is, what to do about this?
Just accusing her of being “disrespectful” only deals with blame and takes you further apart. Ask her, instead, to talk to you about what she thinks can help your relationship. Listen. Don’t argue, try to prove her wrong, or rush to defend yourself.
Respond by telling her what you’d like to see happen, what changes you can make, and what ones you’d hope she’d consider making.
If you can have that conversation, you two have a chance and she won’t need to tell all to the other guy. If you can’t have that conversation, go to counselling yourself since she won’t go.