Partner ‘smacked me,’ should I stay, woman asks
Q: Things are OK for several months with my boyfriend, then he finds fault with me. I’ll come home from work, ask about his day, and he insults me or brings me down, saying I don’t make sense when I talk. He has mood swings and I sense when something’s wrong. His son and daughter-in-law don’t like me and make trouble when I’m not around. His son can’t accept his dad moving on. One day when I came home, he smacked me. It happened again. When we’re happy, it seems like heaven. But there are days that he always just wants to start a fight for no valid reason, just after he’s spent time with his son. Will this relationship work out or am I wasting my time? Concerned
A: You’re being abused. Face that fact and the reality that the relationship cannot work out, because it keeps you at risk.
His son’s toxic to you, and your boyfriend has neither the guts nor moral strength to tell his son that you’re his partner and must be respected.
Instead, he gives in to his own moods, is irrationally verbally and emotionally abusive to you, and both men accept that you are a target for physical assault if they choose … and they have done so.
RUN is what most of my readers would say!
I say it too, but first, and very soon, make a safe plan that you set up privately on a computer that’s unavailable to them.
Whether you decide to initially go to relatives, a close friend, or a women’s shelter, you need to leave these people behind.
You may also need to alert police for a restraining order against both men and the daughter-in-law.
Having “heaven” for only brief moments in a relationship is not worth the brutal way you’re being treated the rest of the time.
It’s far better to regain the confidence in yourself that you don’t ever have to accept demeaning and dangerous assaults.
Once away from this environment, counselling can help you move forward with renewed self-worth. Q: We were sweethearts at 18, and then went to different universities. His cousin was my best friend. Recently, we both lost our spouses of many years (his second wife, my first husband.) His cousin reconnected us. He’s asked me to move to his city, very far from mine. I have no children; he has a large family. What are the chances that we’ll be good together after 45 years with other partners? Huge Changes
A: It depends less on your past connection, and a great deal more on your expectations. It’s lovely in your 70s (or more) to feel sweet memories bringing promise of a new chance at romantic companionship.
But there’s a huge adjustment to sharing life with someone whose habits have been entrenched in another style, and with a history of family relationships different from yours.
Visit for a week at a time, over a few months. Talk things out. Then, consider couples counselling before you make a permanent move. Q: I’d been considering becoming intimate with a man I dated. Recently, after a romantic dinner, he leaned over and asked if I’d please buy him a pair of size 12 women’s pumps. Is He Gay?
A: Don’t jump to conclusions. If you’re wondering whether the request suggests he’s a cross-dresser, ask him about it. That’s what he really wants. Many men who crossdress privately or as a fun experience, are not homosexual. Their girlfriends/wives, usually know and accept their “hobby.”
Ellie’s tip of the day
Abuse is never acceptable, not even for some rare moments of happiness.
Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca