Cousins’ hospitality creates family awkwardness
Earlier this year, our over-21-year-old daughter, “Christy,” moved to New York City.
She stayed with a cousin of mine and her family for 10 weeks while looking for a job and an apartment. The arrangement, though long and tight in their small home, seemed to go well enough for everyone. Our daughter helped out around the house, helped with the kids, etc.
My cousin never mentioned that anything was problematic and never hinted at compensation being expected.
Several months later, my aunt has suggested that we drop a cheque in the mail to my cousin for having supported our daughter for the aforementioned time.
In my embarrassment, I’m not sure how to proceed.
Should I approach my cousin about what she’d like done or just send money with a “thank you” and an apology? Should I apologize at all, or should I assume that this really came from my cousin and my aunt was just the messenger?
We have a great relationship with both of these relatives, and love and enjoy them immensely. We had talked about sending something, but ultimately didn’t — we thought it might be insulting.
Any thoughts on how we should handle this?
—FLUMMOXEDPARENTS
You should handle this directly and honestly. Offering housing and support for more than three months in New York City is no small thing. You should assume your cousins did this out of the goodness of their hearts — just as you would for a family member.
However, I do think it would be kind to offer a material thank you, knowing that any compensation does not negate (or diminish) their generosity.
Send a note saying, “We are so grateful for your generosity and have been going back and forth in trying to figure out how to thank you. Your mother suggested that we should send a cheque and we agree — we hope that you will take this and perhaps send yourselves on a weekend getaway. “Christy” will watch the kids, of course!”
Additionally, your daughter should offer her gratitude separately. She can pitch in by offering to babysit on a regular basis. Send questions to
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