The damage done to relationships by expectations

June is about weddings, but four in 10 marriages in Canada end in divorce. How come?

As I scanned for clues a common factor emerged: Couples enter marriage with high expectations, and when a partner doesn’t live up to expectations that’s when the relationship starts to crumble.

In one marriage, for instance, the wife expected her husband to provide her with a better life than she had as a child. In another the husband expected his wife to be sexy at all times. When those expectations weren’t met, the wife punished her husband by rationing his quota of sex each week, and the husband punished his wife by comparing her to other women.

As the examples piled up of what expectations do to a marriage, I wondered what would happen if a couple decided not to put pressure on each other to live up to any expectations at all. There was one obvious way of finding out, of course; try it. So as a couple we tried it, and for years we haven’t had any expectations to live up to from each other, because we haven’t had any.

And then I thought of the damage done to children by the high expectations of their parents: The sarcasm, the nagging, the put-downs whenever the child isn’t motivated or sociable enough in their eyes, or he’s not as good as other kids.

So we tried putting no pressure on a child of ours to do brilliantly at school or excel in sports, or have to live under the constant cloud of making us look good by what he did. We wanted him to know he was loved no matter what, and any time he saw us looking at him it would be with affection, not disappointment.

Risky? Not when you hear how many young people are depressed, some to the point of killing themselves, because they don’t feel they’re good enough in the eyes of their parents, peers, teachers and the culture in general that bullies them at every turn into being the brightest and the best. At graduation, for instance, it’s clear to anyone watching that the awards and loudest applause are given to the top students. Engrained into every child’s head by age 18, therefore, is the clear message that he’s valued most when he’s lived up to the standards expected of him.

But think what that does to these

Where did those expectations come from? From a culture of magazines and talk shows that sets standards so high they’re unattainable by ordinary mortals.”

kids’ marriages later on and the havoc caused when they only feel valued if they live up to the standards they expect of each other. We know the havoc caused: Forty per cent of marriages collapse due in huge part to expectations unfulfilled.

And where did those expectations come from? From a culture of magazines and talk shows that sets standards so high they’re unattainable by ordinary mortals, but we expect them of our mates and children anyway.

I looked for examples, therefore, of married couples that proved you could ignore cultural pressure and still be happy. I like the example of one couple that played in bridge tournaments as partners. At one major tournament the wife made a stupid mistake in the first round and blew the game for them, but they were so at ease in their relationship they went on to win the tournament, despite the rocky start.

The secret? It didn‘t matter if one partner didn’t live up to the expectations of the other, because neither of them based their relationship on expectations in the first place. So even if they’d lost the tournament they could still drive home happily together. No angry blaming, no stony silence, no demand for apologies, and no damage done to their relationship because of expectations not met.