You still have a life to live

Q. My son and his then-girlfriend broke up shortly after having a baby, five years ago. He pays child support, but the mother only allows her family in my grandchild’s life.

She sends me hurtful emails, including that I’ll never see my grandson. She’s manipulative and controlling. She convinced my son to give up his rights. He won’t stand up to her.

I’ve not seen my grandchild since a firstbirthday celebration.

My husband passed away and never got a visit. How can someone be so cold-hearted, evil, and cruel? We’d welcomed her into our home, bought gifts which she emailed me that she’s thrown away.

There’s no rhyme or reason with this immature mid-20s woman. I love my son, but will never forgive the hurt this has caused.

A. I know it’s not easy to do, but you need to move on from this painful loss.

You’ve had no relationship with the child, so unless your son grows a spine, you’re unlikely to ever have one.

They were both young and immature when she got pregnant. He caved to giving up all paternal rights, though he’s responsible enough (and legally obliged) to pay support. He can still return to court to seek visiting rights. But if his ex remains that dominating, and court costs are a factor, it seems unlikely.

Meanwhile, you still have a life to live. Wallowing in despair is unhealthy and achieves nothing. Neither does dwelling on antipathy to the mother of your grandchild.

Basic survival threatened

Q. I don’t condone harassment or abuse to, or by, either sex.

At age eight or nine, I attended an all-boys private pre-prep school in England, run by an autocratic ex-Army colonel. On Saturday mornings, I attended extra craft sessions where I was molested several times by the headmaster.

After several weeks, I refused to go. My parents asked why. I then told them. There was no outrage directed at me, just calm action toward him. I received the balance of my education there at no cost, to presumably prevent a scandal. Even so young, I knew right from wrong. I told the truth right then. So I question why men and women don’t take action promptly and directly against their abusers.

Are careers, jobs, movie roles, etc. more important than self-worth and dignity? If I had the courage so young to tell the truth, why can’t they? I do understand that circumstances differ and I sympathize with those who’ve suffered.

A. Many childhood abuse victims did not have parents who believed them, nor were supportive of them, nor felt secure enough in society to protest. Your abuse was horrific, but you were lucky in your parents.

For adults in the workplace, abuse often threatens basic survival, not just ambition or fame. People in factory jobs with families to feed, young adults in career courses to secure their future, and struggling and aspiring actors, too, have been led to believe they have to just take it.

That’s why there’s a current, much-needed movement for change.

Feedback: Regarding the woman conflicted about her job and getting pregnant (March 21):

Reader: “She’s assumed the full burden of her husband’s new job.

“She considers having a baby ‘top priority,’ yet sees it limiting her professional options.

“But it’s the assumption that they live near his work, not hers, that’s complicating her choice.

“Why hasn’t he sought flexibility from his employer? It’s because even in 2018, men and women view his career as more important than hers.”

Ellie — A thoughtful perspective that may indeed be an undercurrent.

However, she far preferred to live in her hometown where he found his job, she was tired of commuting part-time to the city and the pregnancy priority was shared. I said not to give up on her career, see a gynecologist about any conception issues, try to get a job she likes in town, but if unavailable, continue commuting to the city.