Stepson troubles at home

Q. During the summer, my stepson, 19, moved back in with us. He’s a great kid but has had no responsibility laid on him by his mother.

My husband told him that his girlfriend could spend weekends at our house, though we’d previously said no. His reason? He “didn’t want to lose him.”

I don’t know if I can live like this. My husband won’t speak up when they spend all day in bed. We’re both early risers and very productive business people.

But my husband has a history of spoiling his children. He carries post-divorce guilt.

I’m about fairness and everyone contributing to the household, but that was never expected of them growing up.

My stepson treats our place like a hotel, without contributing save for doing the dishes when he eats dinner here.

Now he wants his girlfriend to stay here on a weeknight, too. She’s amazing and a very positive force in his life.

Otherwise, my husband and I have a great relationship. Am I Overreacting?

A. Yes, and No.

Yes, you’re overreacting about your husband for responses that weren’t unexpected, because you’re aware of what is actually a common element of guilt in many parents after divorce.

No, you’re underreacting with your stepson, by not having a straightforward talk with him, including his girlfriend, who may be your best ally.

To share your home, rather than host them, you need to state your most important boundaries and negotiate others.

Example: Older teens and young adults sleep in when they can because their physical development stage needs it.

So, on weekends, suggest that you and your husband get going to your desired activity, and expect to join them for lunch at noon.

Leave the past there

Q. My wife presented herself over three years of dating as a sweet, wholesome young lady.

Five years and two children later, I found that things she said about her past didn’t add up.

I discovered she used to be a prostitute. I’m feeling deceived and hurt because she should’ve been honest with me.

Now I’m totally insecure and confused because I’ve lost all trust.

I’ve only told one true friend but don’t want my family to know because they’ll become bitter toward her.

She’d presented herself as having only slept with three men in her life. Now she says it’s 25 men and I don’t believe it.

A. Nothing can change the past, but you both can change the present and future.

Since you don’t want your family to know, it seems that you intend to keep your family together despite this new knowledge.

That’s the decision from which to work together, committed to absolute honesty from now on.

But you don’t need a number count. You do need to both get tested for any sexually transmitted infections.

Also, she should tell you why she became a prostitute at the time.

If there’s still love/affection between you, commit to moving forward as a couple, and to raising your children together.

Never been kissed

Q. I’ve been single forever, having never had a guy interested in me for dating or even sex. I’ve never kissed anyone.

I know that everything should happen on a personal timeline (not society’s timeline), but whenever someone asks me about this, I feel something’s wrong with me.

I don’t know how to stop feeling so down on myself.

A. Two approaches can go a long way toward helping you stop feeling there’s “something wrong” with you.

One is to push yourself into a more active life that builds friendships, while also maintaining family connections that give emotional support.

Equally important, get personal counselling about how to value who you already are and recognize/understand any holdbacks from your past that you might need to overcome.