I’m attracted to older men
Q. I’m 20 and I like men in their mid or late 20s to early 30s. Is this OK or normal?
I don’t want anyone to say anything negative about this as I’m now an adult myself.
A. Such a short statement … yet carrying so much concern in the question.
You give few details, so I’m taking from your sparse words, that you’re a male acknowledging your attraction to other males.
Your next statement indicates that you have some anxiety about what people (perhaps your family or community) think about you identifying sexually as a gay adult.
The definitions of what’s “normal” in today’s society includes the reality of being gay and seeking relationships with people of the same sex. Yes, your attractions and feelings are normal.
If there are people in your life who insist that your sexual identity or attractions are not OK, this is your challenge to overcome.
Coming out can be scary if you fear disapproval or outright rejection. Counselling can help you. Also, the internet has many websites that offer advice and tips to people who want to come out.
Fearing for mom’s safety
Q. My mom allowed my sister and her son to move in with her after her long-term relationship ended (because of her son’s behaviour).
He constantly lies, steals beer, smokes pot in his room, throws temper tantrums, punches holes in walls and smashes things.
He yells, swears and calls his grandmother and mother inappropriate names. His father isn’t in the picture. My sister knows that he needs help.
She and my brother hate each other due to all the drama. I think the kid needs to be in foster care until he can smarten up but my sister doesn’t see it.
I’m afraid for my mom’s safety, but she won’t stay at my place. She’s had a black eye from this kid before.
Should I report the issues or wait until they move out (in a month)?
A. One month isn’t a long time, but the danger is real due to the grandson’s volatile personality.
Yes, he’s a potential threat to your mother. Though your sister should make sure that doesn’t happen, she’s unlikely to report her son to child welfare authorities or police. However, reporting him may eventually become a necessity.
In the meantime, for this short period, tell your mother that staying in that atmosphere could land her in hospital, with the “kid” being removed from the family into care. He, too, should be warned that if anyone is harmed, he will be reported and face consequences.
This boy or teenager undoubtedly needs a professional mental-health check and diagnosis, plus treatment.
Once your sister moves out with him, you can be an important force in the family by helping her see that getting him to a mental health specialist is essential — either through a doctor’s referral, child welfare services or, the court system.
It won’t be easy. But better to try than to wait till his anger explodes in some manner that harms many — as well as himself.
Deal with marital issues as a unit
Feedback: Regarding the husband with no time/money for a “honeymoon” despite time/money for his parents (August 17):
“Your advice means that she must forget her hopes and dreams for the marriage.
“Her husband refuses the idea of a honeymoon because he prioritizes his parents over his wife and daughter.
“Also, her father-in-law is sponging off his son to pay his loan, of which the wife was never told.
“She must stand up to him, see all their financial information to protect herself and her child in case of his death or divorce, and demand that he prioritize his marital family.”
Ellie: My advice was directed to their being a couple, not just about fulfilling her dreams for an annual “honeymoon” and never working though she’s a doctor.
Yes, they need to manage their finances as partners and spend time with their child as their own unit.