Is it the relationship or the depression?

Q: I have been in a serious relationship for two years and am not sure I still want to be in it. We are both in our early 30s and met online when each wanted “more than just dating.”

I was in the military, contemplating whether that life was really for me. We met a few months before her father passed away.

I’d previously been in many short relationships, nothing meaningful. She’d barely dated at all but was ready to meet “the one.”

She was the first person who made me truly realize what and who I am, deeply. She grew up surrounded by oppression and judgment due to her religious beliefs and skin colour. She’s a social justice warrior, which I think is awesome.

She taught me how to look at things deeper (i.e., white privilege, sexism, even toward males, and oppression in relation to thinking/religion).

Critical thinking is always at the forefront now. I feel more on edge, more responsible to think about everything, all angles of why and how, to the point of anxiety and exhaustion.

I sometimes feel afraid to speak without offending or slighting. I want to be a responsible and humble human, but not to this extreme.

Meanwhile, I’ve been suffering from depression for a decade and it has worsened these past two to four years, either caused by the military, this relationship, passive aggressiveness from my family and living with them, my job, etc.

I even told her I’m breaking up with her because I don’t want to be in a relationship.

Yet I “need” her. She’s the sweetest and kindest girl I’ve ever met, despite her social justice warrior mindset.

She’s helped me by seeing deeper into my depression (and paying for some therapy!) and with getting my current job and sorting my finances.

She’s done nothing wrong other than demand the best from me and life.

I’ve told her I just want to move out of my family’s house and live on my own (though I’m scared because of finances and my depression).

She wants to move out, too, but only if she’s married (strict family, religious rule).

But I’m not quite ready to settle down and marry! Yet here we are, both too scared to break up with each other and somehow just making it work. I know this isn’t easy on her, either. Am I just dragging her along?

Feeling Lost

A: It’s the depression, not the relationship. At this time, it’s mostly you who’s being “dragged along” emotionally, by yourself, and due to the depression.

Your immediate priority is to get therapy for yourself and treatment that helps you build confidence to move forward. Ask your doctor for a referral to a therapist or seek help from a mental health clinic.

Your girlfriend is a great support to you and has also opened your mind to significant realities, but she’s not a therapist and that’s your greatest need right now.

Thank her for all her caring advice and help but explain that there’s a journey of building inner confidence and a positive outlook, which you can only embark on with professional guidance.

You can stay loving and connected during this time. You don’t have to break up, though you may both find that the process of learning and healing may sometimes be very intense.

That may result in taking a break for a while. But any final decision about your future together, or lack of it, should not be made while you’re so depressed.

Ellie’s tip of the day

Depression clouds decision-making. Get therapy and treatment to help yourself feel confident about making life decisions.