Wife’s temper is out of control before her morning coffee

Q: My wife is NOT a morning person. We each have to get up at 7 a.m. for work. She makes lunches for the kids and herself and I make breakfast, which she doesn’t eat.

But she’s like a coiled dragon who we’re all afraid of upsetting.

One coffee, fresh air and an hour awake, she’s a lovely person. But our mornings are unpleasant for us all. How can we work this out?

Tense Mornings

A: Good for you for seeing both sides of your wife and not just the morning dragon.

One much-used solution is suggesting she make those lunches in the evening, before cleaning the kitchen after dinner, so that they’re out of the way.

It gives her another half-hour of snoozing or slow-waking.

Also, have an automatic coffee-maker turn on just before her new wake-up time and, if you can, take it to her — an act of pure love for the “lovely” person now rising.

Fresh air? Open a window just before you slip under covers at night or upon awaking. In cooler weather, have a humidifier in the room so no one wakes up parched from indoor heating.

Since she’s not a disagreeable person otherwise, these small extra steps are just another solution-based way of not letting a previous problematic scenario persist.

And the kids get a valuable lesson, too: Instead of being stuck with each other’s more annoying habits, families can find ways to overcome some of them.

Q: My friend of 40 years and I used to hang around a lot, then grew apart, but we kept in touch.

Twenty years ago, she quit drinking, joined AA, which was great, but she always had some mental health and then physical issues.

I helped her out when needed because she was alienated from her family and had no one for emergencies, etc. We’re now in our 60s, she has poor health and frequent hospitalizations. I’m one of her Helpline emergency contacts, run clothes to the hospital, drive her, clean her house, do her laundry, pet-sit, etc.

She’s named me her power of attorney over personal care and finances and executor of her estate.

Meanwhile, I’ve had two joint replacement surgeries in recent years and I’m also single now.

She never visited me at the hospital or afterwards, never showed up at my mother’s funeral, makes derogatory comments about my kids, my actions, my gifts, etc.

She also keeps “forgetting” that I have physical limitations too. Recently, she commented that one day she’ll tell me what she really thinks of me, but it could ruin our friendship.

I’m angry, hurt and feeling used. I’ve been avoiding her but know I have to have the conversation. How do I handle it?

Fed Up Friend

A: Get to it. Tell her that you heard her negatively slanted warning and if she thinks it’s wise to proceed, you have a few things to say yourself.

Since it already feels like half the damage is done, you should hear her out. Maybe there’s more kindness in there than you expect. Or not.

Then, respond without exaggerating about her not reciprocating support for you, despite very similar needs sometimes.

When enough has been aired, say that you’re willing to discuss what you both want to do about it. There may be some learning here for each of you.

Otherwise, accept that the friendship is no longer mutual or satisfying. You should both then decide whether you should remain as her POA and executor.

Ellie’s tip of the day

Is your spouse the “dragon” at breakfast? Find a half-hour more for sleep.

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Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.