I’m concerned about my wife’s drinking habits

Q: When my wife and I were dating, I introduced her to wine as a gentle accompaniment to being together talking or having a meal.

Ever since we married nine years ago, a bottle of wine has accompanied dinner at our home.

But lately, I’m worried about her drinking.

I’ve noticed more empty bottles in our recycling bin; she’s become short-tempered in recent months, and frequently says she’s “too tired” for intimacy.

She collapses into bed immediately after our two boys (ages seven and five) go to sleep.

My wife worked full-time before we had children, stayed home with them for several years, then started a part-time job from home this year. I’m worried that she might be drinking alone at home in the day and getting addicted to alcohol.

Suspicious Signs

A: As a parent and husband, it’s natural to be concerned when your wife’s alcohol intake may have become problematic.

But this is a situation for compassion as much as concern.

If you’re correct that she’s drinking a lot in the day, something has likely triggered that change.

It may be that her home-based job is less satisfying than her earlier work. Or her fatigue could be health-related — a useful starting point for suggesting she see a doctor about her decreased energy.

Or, there’s a different psychological or emotional factor to be explored.

If it does become apparent that alcohol is affecting her behaviour with you and the children, she still needs your compassion in getting her to acknowledge possible alcohol use disorder.

This is especially important because of its potential harmful effects on children growing up in an environment with this situation.

Seeing an addiction counsellor can be helpful for both of you. There are also family-support programs and addiction helplines that can be searched online for your locale.

FEEDBACK Regarding the boyfriend’s concern about his girlfriend suddenly experiencing a panic/anxiety attack (Sept. 24):

Reader: “Nothing was highlighted about the girlfriend being a social worker, which can be a very depleting, anxiety-inducing job.

“Also, the boyfriend should’ve been advised to sit down with this woman he loves and ask her what can he do to help.

“As in, ‘I’m worried about you, do you need something from me? Can we come up with a panic-attack first-aid plan?’

“He may discover that if another one happens he simply need not abandon her while it runs its course.

“And when it’s done, wrap themselves in a blanket and watch her favourite show together, allowing her to process what happened, then be ready to talk it through.

“I have anxiety that ebbs and flows. Counselling is great but sometimes those who have panic attacks just need the people in their lives to be there, while they figure out if they need to get a professional involved (which in itself can be anxiety-inducing).”

Ellie: The letter-writer wrote partly because of his concern that somehow he’d done something to cause this sudden, seemingly unprecedented attack.

That’s why I reassured him that, so long as he wasn’t behaving harshly to her, he didn’t cause this episode.

Your description of providing calming comfort to someone who’s experienced such an anxiety episode sounds very appropriate.

However, since this was a first-time occurrence, I’d still strongly recommend that she see a doctor and/or therapist who deals with anxiety attacks.

The boyfriend could then join her in couples’ counselling together if/when she’s ready for it, so he can learn what response is most helpful to her.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Toronto Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.