Stalker has been following me for a decade. What do I do?
Q: I attended a local college in 200809 and met this cute guy there. We started talking at school and then I discovered in 2009 that he withdrew from his program.
He’s stalking me.
He knows the three condos that I moved to with my mom over these past years.
My mother died unexpectedly last year and I’ve moved three times within the year and now I’m living with my brother in his condo.
I see my stalker boyfriend in the same area just sitting in his car watching me, daily.
He also knows where I work and that I have a dog.
He told me that he liked me way back in college but I declined his offer and said that I liked him as a friend.
I don’t know if he loves me or is just lusting over me. Should I confront him or leave him alone and move on?
Confused About Love
A: Stalking is not about “love.” It’s an obsession. And it’s potentially dangerous for you.
If this man loves you in an emotionally healthy way, he wouldn’t follow you around for 12 years, nor daily watch you come and go.
If he “lusts” after you, his stalking is equally worrisome.
If everything you say about his daily presence is true, you must take action to protect yourself.
Record your sightings of him over several days, and all the previous places where he’d followed you for years, and report him as a stalker to police.
In Canada, stalking is a crime called criminal harassment.
To qualify as stalking/harassment, the behaviour must give you good reason to fear for your personal safety and must have no legitimate purpose.
Generally, it must happen repeatedly. However, where the behaviour’s overtly threatening, a single incident may be considered criminal harassment.
In the United States, the federal government, all 50 states, the District of Columbia and U.S. territories have enacted criminal laws to address stalking.
State laws vary regarding the element of victim fear and emotional distress, as well as the requisite intent of the stalker.
Some state laws specify that the victim must’ve been frightened. Others, only that a reasonable person would experience fear.
But you don’t seem frightened by this man’s daily watching you from his car. You even try to decide whether his motive is love or lust.
Watch that you aren’t building a fantasy around this man’s interest in watching you. He’s not your “boyfriend.”
Bring an end to his stalking before he causes you or himself great harm.
Q: My brother, with whom I’ve always been close, is married to a woman whom he acknowledges is selfish, spoiled and mean-spirited. They argue constantly, even in the children’s presence.
He holds a high position in her father’s very successful company.
He’d love to divorce his wife but would immediately lose his job, good income and likely have great difficulty maintaining his relationship with his two children — his wife has already threatened him with this. What should he do?
Worried Sister
A: He should be true to himself. Raising children with a wife he dislikes, in a fractious household, doesn’t benefit them more than divorce and joint custody.
His wealthy wife and her family cannot prevent him from the normal legal process to retain access to his children.
It’s better to become his own man again, have self-respect and hopefully a good relationship with his kids, rather than live a lie and be miserable.
Ellie’s tip of the day
Stalking is a crime and an obsession that’s possibly dangerous for the victim and ultimately for the stalker.
Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.