Online dating requires change in expectations

Q: I was married for 27 years, divorced for five. Recently, I’ve been trying online dating.

I soon met up with one in-person date, both wearing masks and physical distancing. We seemed to click, until he went quiet.

After that one date, every time I texted/called he had an excuse: He’s tired, busy with work, his roommate needs to ask him a question, etc.

I texted that I’d no longer be sending morning quotes to keep connected in these uncertain times.

He replied two days later, saying he was sorry it didn’t work out. He added, “I’d love it if you’d continue sending me morning messages and keep in touch.”

I don’t understand. If there’s no connection on his part why would he want me to keep in touch?

I didn’t reply to his text and stopped all communication with him. Any ideas why this would happen?

Online Dating Confusion

A: The only thing certain about online dating: It attracts all types. Especially during the pandemic, people are relying on the apps for a chance at meeting someone to check out for a first meeting, just as you did.

But many people don’t want to invest too much time getting to know someone they think isn’t a long-term match for them.

This guy sounds like a fairly decent person who didn’t want to be hurtful so made “busy” excuses, then soon said he was sorry it “didn’t work out.”

In the annals of nasty online dating experience that often include ghosting — whereby the person cuts all contact with no explanation — reframe this in your mind as a “soft” parting.

If you’re going to stay with online dating, recognize that it’s like decisions about cards in a poker game — some potential daters are worth holding onto to see where it goes, and some are not (“hold” or “fold”).

This man was an OK first experience, though his excuses annoyed you and his “keeping in touch” suggestion was unwanted.

Now you can date online with confidence that you have more idea of what to expect, and what not to accept. If a first date doesn’t lead to a second, you be the one to move on without playing games.

Q: I’m so angry at my daughter! She’s 15 and was on the phone upstairs while I was in the downstairs laundry room. The vent allowed me to hear her conversation. I didn’t pay attention until I heard her telling her friend that I don’t like her! I’d only met her a few times just before COVID started.

They see each other when school’s open and sometimes get together outside. She seems nice, I DON’T dislike her!

My daughter was also making fun of me to this friend, which I found rude and disrespectful. But I can’t

confront her because I did listen to their conversation. How do I deal with this?

Enraged Eavesdropper

A: Sometimes the best way to begin a difficult discussion is to acknowledge fault on both sides. You both behaved disrespectfully though she’d thought her conversation was private and you stayed to listen.

With teens, there are often reasons why they’ll “blame” a parent for something they feel uncomfortable about. Remind her that she can always talk to you about a situation/person that’s worrying her.

Then tell her what you overheard and ask, gently, what caused her to need you to be “the bad guy” in someone else’s eyes. Use this incident to build trust, not anger.

Ellie’s tip of the day

After meeting online, first in-person dates are often a mutual test of whether to stay connected or move on.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.