Think twice about steamy affair with ex-husband

Q: My husband of 20 years left me abruptly during my serious illness (cowardice) and ran into the arms of another woman (not her fault).

We’d had a wonderful life together, travelled, engaged with friends, family. I helped raise his children, cared for his elderly mother, supported him through his own cancer, job loss and starting a business.

Now, five years later, we’ve reunited over a shared lifelong love of a hobby.

My health has improved to where I can rejoin the world and participate. I made a conscious decision to forgive him and it’s improved my life immeasurably.

I look and feel rather amazing given the circumstances of my illness. He’d expressed sorrow and regret over his actions, but is enjoying his new life and is unlikely to leave it.

We have started a rather steamy sexual affair (mutually initiated) and I’m enjoying it.

He gets away when he’s able, we correspond (sexting) through a secret email and have lovely rendezvous at my place with gourmet meals, shared intimacy and lovemaking like no other (tiny bit kinky but we are over 60).

I still date and hope to find another mate but in the meantime, I’m thoroughly enjoying this secret relationship. He knows me better than anyone, and there’s no laundry! (I’m rethinking the polyamory movement too, maybe.)

Don’t know how long this’ll last, but for now it works for me. Another Perspective

A: I’m not certain why you shared this story but there’s no mistaking that, given your improved health, you’re feeling as if you’ve been given a new lease on life.

That said, your enthusiasm for this current affair with your ex-husband neglects to acknowledge that you’re helping him cheat on his current partner. In fact, you toss off the details of sexting secretly and sneaking away to meet you “when he’s able,” to show that he’s getting away with it ... with your compliance.

Now that you’ve found renewed energy and joy in sex, it seems to me that your “rethinking the polyamory movement” — and writing to me about all this — reflects your inner thoughts of moving on from your ex.

Through polyamory arrangements with mutual consent, liaisons involve people whose partners have agreed to relationships with multiple lovers. There’s still no laundry, and there’s no cheating on another woman, either.

However, there remains the pandemic to consider which makes all of these sexual encounters potentially dangerous, especially given your health history. You can still have good years ahead if you resist taking such risks.

So maybe you wrote this because you needed a reality check. I advise thinking through your current arrangement and staying safe during COVID-19.

FEEDBACK: Regarding the woman, 69, who’s considering buying a house

for an online “lover” she’s never met (April 5):

Reader: “You might direct this woman to documentaries about these breaking-hearts scammers. There’s lots of these online and on YouTube. Sure sounds like she has met one. Hoping for the best outcome for her but at her age, she needs to think carefully about the years ahead and the challenges she’ll face.”

Reader #2: “Relationship scams are the No. 1 scams. There’s nothing wrong with her building a house for herself based on sound financial/legal/real estate decisions. But not for this “man” based on information thus far. If he’s “real” he’d show himself to be sincere.

“As long as the woman’s asking herself ‘is this real?’ she should slow down and use extreme caution.”

Ellie’s tip of the day

When a letter-writer is unsure why she/he wrote a relationship advice columnist, it’s usually to think things through.