Wear clothing with attitude
I wonder what animal-inspired, AI-created clothes would be like
In the near future, when Artificial Intelligence (AI) is everywhere (except the brains of humour writers), an enterprising company would use AI to create clothing called Animal Skins: skin-tight manufactured clothing with the uncanny ability of giving the wearer attributes of real animals.
Some examples:
People wearing rhinoceros skin clothing would be protected from bruises and scrapes while playing rough contact sports like rugby, football, hockey, and rock concert mosh pits. An unfortunate side effect would be the urge to put their head down and charge Jeeps and Land Rovers.
For the ultimate protection, folks would wear alligator skins. They wouldn’t get hugged much and their bite would definitely be worse than their bark.
Women wearing leopard skin leggings would, besides looking chic, be able to move with the catlike grace of real leopards. Alluring and erotic. They’d be able to climb trees real good too, once they ditched their stiletto shoes.
Swimmers would wear dolphin skins for the ultimate in pool laps and ocean snorkeling experiences. The company’s line of shark skins would be banned, because wearers would become very aggressive, especially if there was blood in the water.
Politicians wearing ostrich skins would excel at placing their heads in the sand to ignore issues, hoping the problems will go away.
Cheetah leggings would allow wearers to run extremely fast, albeit for short distances. Ideal for catching the bus or train or chasing your five-year-old.
Lion skins would naturally encourage men to lay around looking regal, while women in lioness skins did all the housework, including foraging for food. The lionesses would not tolerate this for long, since the same thing occurs without men wearing the skins. Lion skin sales would plummet.
Seniors and others suffering from insomnia would go to bed wearing bearskin PJs, enabling them to sleep through the entire night (sometimes through the entire winter). Teenagers would be prohibited from wearing such PJs, as it’s already hard enough getting them up in the morning.
Chamaeleon and octopus skins would allow the wearer instant camouflage. This clothing would be ideal for spies, assassins, celebrities, and avoiding people at parties and family gatherings that you really don’t want to talk to. An unfortunate side effect of octopus skins is squirting black ink when startled.
Porcupine skins would be highly sought-after by acupuncturists and anti-social people.
Kangaroo skins would enhance the performance of boxers and long jumpers. Parents could carry their young in the pouches.
Owl shirts would be prized by teachers and mothers, allowing them to swivel their heads 180 degrees to watch their charges.
People wearing pigskins would be banned from the few all-you-caneat buffets that survived the COVID pandemic.
Sloth skins would be prohibited for civil servants, for obvious reasons.
Street gangs would favour wearing wolf skin clothing.
Burglars would love wearing raccoon skin clothes, for finger dexterity in opening latches and enhanced sneakiness. The mask would be a built-in bonus.
Gorilla suits would be favoured by bouncers at night clubs and fathers meeting their daughter’s dates.
Sea horse skins would be worn by amenable fathers willing to give birth to their young, enabling them to be equal partners in reproduction. Jubilant mothers would hand out the cigars.
There would be a notice on packages of hippopotamus skins warning women that, yes, this clothing will make you look fat.
(Note: Animal Skins is the registered trade mark of Fauna Rules Inc. and is fiercely protected by the company’s pack of lawyers, resplendent in jackal suits.)