Strange words baffle the locals
The sleepy small town in a forgotten corner of Texas didn’t get many visitors. When they did, it was because the travellers were lost and needed directions. These wayward souls often stopped at the town’s only bar/café/laundromat for refreshments.
Such was the case when the three strangers arrived one hot, dusty afternoon. The two women, presumably the wife and daughter, staggered into the laundromat with garbage bags stuffed with clothes. The guy went up to the bar.
“Hey there,” he said in a strange accent. “I know you don’t have a Timmie’s in town, so can I get a double-double here?”
“A whut?” said the bartender. “Sorry. I meant a coffee, two milk, two sugar. Hey, where in town can I buy beer? I wanna get a two-four of Lone Star.”
“Beer an’ liquor store’s around the corner. Dunno what you mean by two-four,” said the bartender.
“Sorry. Case of 24. Gotta fuel my Molson muscle! I might get a mickey of bourbon too. Also need a grocery store. Daughter needs pop.”
“Molson muscle? Mickey? Pop? An’ whut’s this about pop? Ya won’t find that for sale in Texas.”
“Sorry. Molson muscle means my beer belly. Mickey means a flask. Pop means soda. We’ll also wanna get some Smarties for the road.”
“Smarties? Pills what make ya smart?” the bartender asked.
“Sorry. It’s chocolate candy like your M&Ms. Also need a clothing store. I want some new gotchies and my daughter needs new runners.”
“You drunk or high, Mister?” “Sorry. I mean underwear and sneakers. She’s also wants to find a waterproof knapsack.”
The bartender looked at him blankly. “Huh?”
“Sorry. Means backpack down here. She’s a real keener, she really likes to give’r. She went hiking in your state park about 100 klicks back down the highway and got a real soaker.”
“Keener? Give’r? Klicks? Soaker?” “Sorry. Overeager, though it can also mean brown-noser. Give’r means go hard, klicks are kilometres, and soaker means got really wet.”
“Kilometres? Whut the hell’s that?
“Sorry. Meant miles. Look, I’m not tryin’ to deke you out or cause a kerfuffle with my words.”
“Would help if ya spoke English. Whut’s a deke an’ a kerfuffle?”
“Sorry. Deke means fake you out and kerfuffle means commotion or scuffle.”
The stranger’s wife came in from the laundromat. “Hi. Do I need a loonie or toonie to use your washroom?”
“Huh?” said the bartender.
“She means a dollar or two, to use your restroom.”
“Nope. It’s free to customers.” The daughter came in, saying: “Man, it’s so hot out there! Glad I left my tuque at home. Hey, is there a chesterfield here I can flop on while we’re waiting for our laundry to finish? And a souvenir store where I can get a bunny hug with a Texas logo?”
The bartender grinned. “Finally, somethin’ I can understand. I’ll be happy ta give you a hug, young lady. Tuque? Chesterfield?”
Her father laughed. “Sorry, where we come from, bunny hug means a hoodie sweatshirt. Tuque is a knitted cap; I think you folks call it a beanie. Chesterfield means a sofa.”
“Uh huh. So where y’all from? New Zealand?”
Canada. Guess you don’t get many Canucks down here, eh?”
“No Sir. I shoulda guessed, what with all the times you said sorry.”
Well, consider yourself lucky that us three hosers are from Saskatchewan and not Newfoundland. Besides their accent, you’d really have trouble with Newfoundland words!”