Wife sick of husband, motherin-law talking behind her back

Dear Annie: I am in a painful position with my mother-in-law. I was pretty sure my husband was talking poorly about me to her, so I asked him whether he had badmouthed me to his mother.

He totally denied it, saying, “Absolutely not!”

Well, she was visiting recently, and I walked into the room and overheard them both talking negatively about me.

I innocently asked what they were discussing and my husband lied outright, saying they were discussing a purchase. My mother-in-law looked like a deer caught in headlights.

After she left, I again asked my husband what they were talking about and he reiterated his previous lie. A few weeks later, I got a card in the mail from his mother saying, “If my son ain’t happy, I ain’t happy.”

I placed it on my husband’s nightstand. He never said a word and acts as though he didn’t see it. The card has since disappeared.

How should I address all of this with my husband and his mom?

— Wife on the Outside Dear Wife: Whether or not your mother-in-law likes you is beside the point.

Your husband should not be agreeing with her or worse, egging her on in a race to see who can insult you more.

When faced with criticism of his wife, he should defend you.

Even when you are in the wrong, he should not be badmouthing you to someone outside the marriage. It’s an emotional betrayal, and it shows disrespect.

And over time, it can erode the bonds of your marriage.

Tell your husband this must stop and ask him to accompany you to a counsellor.

If he refuses to admit there is a problem, go without him and work on this.

Dear Annie: Often when my husband and I go out with friends, we will see another couple we know along the way. Of course, we politely introduce our friends to the couple. The next thing I know, the two couples are laughing, conversing and setting up a future time to get together.

Meanwhile, I’m standing there feeling like chopped liver.

This has happened more times than I can count. The people we’ve run into seem to think it’s their right to take custody of our friends. If it hadn’t happened so often, I wouldn’t be so upset.

Is there a way to nicely communicate to people that this isn’t OK? — Annoyed

Dear Annoyed: If it’s the same people every time, we’d stop introducing our friends to them.

If it is a variety of couples that poach your friends, you have two ways to deal with it: you can be flattered that others like your taste in friends and determine not to be upset by it.

Friendships aren’t winner-takeall.

Your friends can enjoy the company of others without it changing their friendship with you.

The other tactic is to make a brief introduction and then say, “Sorry we can’t stay and chat.”

Then escort the couple you are with to the car, down the street, and into the restaurant or wherever you are going.

Your mistake is allowing their conversation to go on long enough for them to get to know one another and make plans, while you silently fume on the inside.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@ creators.com, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.