mom knows best
B.C.’s Representative for Children and Youth spends her days helping kids, then goes home to her own family. For Mother’s Day, she reflects on her life as a mom and a watchdog for the province’s neediest youth
For Mother’s Day, Mary Ellen Turpel-Lafond explains how she uses all of her experience as a mom of four in her role as B.C.’s Representative for Children and Youth, a role in which she advocates for kids’ rights.
Q How has your upbringing affected the decisions you make as a mom?
A Having a pretty hardscrabble upbringing in many ways really affected me as a parent, to want to get an education and to want to provide for my children, and to create opportunities for them. But also to really model, and promote as much as possible, a very calm and relaxed environment in the home.
Q How do you create calm in a house with a 20-year-old daughter, 14-year-old twin girls and a 12-year-old son?
A A couple of things. One is lots of discussion and time together, fun activities at home, planning holidays together. I really try to model strong relationships. I love them and I have really learned a lot about being a person from my children.
Q How has your career affected your kids?
A Without fully understanding what they were agreeing to almost 10 years ago, I moved them to British Columbia from Saskatchewan and I became the Representative for Children and Youth. They didn’t really understand what that meant, but what it’s meant for me is, in addition to parenting these guys and being in their lives as fully as I can, I’ve also had 16,000 advocacy cases. On any given week I’m following about 200 cases — some of them daily — of situations with kids. Not only do my children help me create an environment where we can understand and learn from each other, they’re also willing to share their mom. Q Have you always had an interest in helping children?
A I had some pretty bad turns in my own childhood, which could really have crushed someone, but I had a few people who helped me out in different ways, whether it was teacher or sibling. It was the compassion with no expectation of getting something back. I said if I have an opportunity to give back, to work with children in any way, I wanted to do that.
Q What do you and your kids do together?
A I have a little tugboat that I operate. It’s my hobby. I go around the Pacific Northwest and skipper my own little boat. I throw the kids on there and we go places. We stop at an island, and we make our own fun. Nature is a big healer for me, and it’s a big bonding thing with the kids. They complain a lot because we’re all in confined quarters — teenagers don’t like to be in confined space with their parents. But at this time of year, they’re asking where we’re going next.
Q One thing you love about being a mom?
A Becoming a mom was a great experience for me. It’s an action-packed adventure. It’s not something that you have figured out overnight — it’s a process. It’s an amazing process, as long as you don’t expect perfection in yourself or others and focus on what really counts: love and the lifelong relationships and the fun.
Q What do you want for Mother’s Day?
A I always ask for the same thing for Christmas and Mother’s Day, and that is world peace. It makes my children crazy, and then we have a big debate. And they say, ‘We can’t deliver it,’ and then I ask, ‘What part can you deliver?’ It provokes discussion about what is it to be peaceful and have non-violent relationships. They usually get me something, but the discussion is the most valuable gift. After that, the plan is to be together, cook together, visit and probably take a hike and have some family time together.
Q How does being a mom affect your job?
A I might be dealing with a 14-year-old in crisis and yet I’m going home to my 14-yearold. I keep thinking, what would a prudent parent do? I think being a parent makes me better at my job.
Q How about the work-family balance?
A I would have to say, with all due respect to other mothers who may have it figured out, I think that is probably the biggest fraud. Is there such a thing as a work and family balance? Some days the family is careening in crisis and a lot of your energy and spirit is there, and other days the work can be careening in crisis. It’s unpredictable because you are beholden to a lot of other people. The only constant is trying to keep yourself on an even keel and take care of yourself so you can be there to take care of all the other important people in your life.
Q How do you talk to your kids about your work?
A I’m very protective as a parent. There are times when I’ve had a hard time, when there’s a tragic death or I’m dealing with a family — I might even get notified at home on the weekend. I try to protect the children so they don’t know what’s going on, but it’s pretty hard. They’ll look at my face and can tell I’m upset. I say, “Yes, I have experienced a loss and I’m upset, but it’s something I can manage.” I don’t confide with them extensively, but you can’t hide things from kids. My approach is to be protective but to also model resilience.
Q How did you explain this week’s news that the Speaker of the B.C. legislature warned you may be found in contempt of Parliament for publicly releasing a report before it was tabled?
A The kids were asking if I was in trouble, or going to jail or something. I said sometimes people in the legislature have disagreements and I see the world differently than the Speaker does, and we’ll work it out. I try to use humour. They asked if I was in trouble, and I said “kind of, but not really.” It’s a teachable moment.
Q One thing you would like to work on as a mom?
A We all have our frailties and our faults. We have a swear jar and sometimes it gets a little filled up and I’m the one who has to pay the fine. I can’t say I’m super proud of that, but it’s something the kids have earned a fair amount of money on from me.