Home hockey guide

Cheering for your favourite team from the couch does have some positive attributes

EDMONTON — Nothing beats being in a hockey rink when the home team scores a go-ahead goal late in the third period and it gets so loud it feels like the roof might collapse.

We won’t get that in the NHL’s return to play tournament.

Empty buildings mean fans won’t be able to soak in the atmosphere and drive up the energy. No singing along with the anthem, no high-fiving perfect strangers and no taunting Matt Tkachuk. No reminding referees how stupid they are or letting the power play know when it should shoooot!

Thanks to the pandemic, we will have to watch it at home on TV like minimum security prisoners who won control of the remote.

You can still scream at the top of your lungs, but it’s not the same when all it does is freak out the dog and get the neighbour punching 9-1-… into his phone.

There are plenty of upsides to watching from home, though, like comfort (good luck bringing a nice leather ottoman into Rogers Place), and not waiting forever to use the urinal because the guy ahead of you in line has stage fright.

Here are some positives to cheering from the couch:

BOTTOMS UP

As with most things in life, any discussion on the pros and cons of attending a sporting event begins and ends with what’s in your cup.

Watching at home is a clean kill in the beer, wine and spirits department.

Say hello to a much better drink menu at much lower prices and goodbye to flimsy plastic cups specifically designed to leak down your wrist when you take the lid off. There’s also no need to grab two at a time, guaranteeing the second one you stashed under your seat will either get warm or tip over when someone scores, because the lineup for your fridge is 15 minutes long (and if it is, maybe introduce your buddies to the world of salad).

And at your house, sales do not end after the second intermission.

LOUDER!!

From a cost certainty standpoint, “zero” is much lower than whichever arm or leg playoff tickets were going to run you, but it also means missing out on the “in house entertainment.”

This is good. No Fan-OMeter insisting you scream like a lost child before that crucial first period face-off, no game day host urging your section to bark like hungry seals if you want that free bag of chips. No having to pretend you give a flying puck which beer mug fills up first.

At home, you might get 15 runs of that disgusting toe fungus commercial, but at least you can hit mute and look away.

SOPHIE’S CHOICE

You’re wearing a beloved ball cap you’ve had for 15 years. Fits perfectly, frayed perfectly, it’s lucky and it can’t be replaced. Then Ryan Nugent-Hopkins scores his third of the night.

Now what? Throw it on the ice in a moment of jubilation and regret it for years? Or keep wearing it while everyone stares at you like you started eating in the middle of grace?

Watching from home, you can get caught up in the moment all you want and you’ll always get your cap back.

HAVING A VOICE

Rather than simply yelling “You Suck” at the game, you can analyze and heckle in complete social media paragraphs at home. You can even attach videos to illustrate your point.

Try standing up in the middle of an arena and shouting: “Hey, Giordano, you’re a great defenceman that all teams would love to have, but I think your ‘good guy’ reputation is in stark contrast to some of the borderline things you do on the ice that keep getting passed off as accidents! In fact, here are some clips of those hits!!”

Now that’s a sweet burn.

LIGHTS, CAMERA

Thanks to the miracle of modern television, you control the replays, the slo-mo, the volume and the channel.

Want to watch that fight again? Rewind it yourself. Closer look at who’s at fault on that goal? According to the internet it’s always Kris Russell, but now you can slow it down and make your own decision.

Spouse chewing you out because you knocked over a plant when you threw your hat? Hit pause while you pretend to listen. Game sucks? No such thing as flipping over to Family Guy when you’re sitting in an arena.

TRASH COLLECTION

Ever wonder what the Oilers were yelling at David (Stick Flip) Rittich when the

Flames goalie skated by their bench after getting yanked in Calgary?

In a quiet, empty arena, we’ll be able to hear all of the trash talking.

A steady exchange of juvenile insults, taunts and threats? It’ll be like listening to a live version of Twitter.

WIN, WIN

The Isolation Cup is going to be a no-lose situation. If your team gets past the qualifying round, it has a chance to win the Stanley Cup. If it doesn’t, it has a chance to win the draft lottery. In a strange, pandemic tournament where everyone goes in rusty, anyone can get off to a quick start and go deep.

And if Toronto wins it all, you can hold the asterisk over their head for another 40 years.

ED KAISER/POSTMEDIA FILES If one of your team’s players records a hat trick, you can throw your own hat around the living room ... and then you still have your hat.

DAVID BLOOM/POSTMEDIA FILES Chirping by and about players, such as Calgary Flames goaltender David Rittich, should be a lot easier to hear in an empty arena.

POSTMEDIA FILES Having an adult beverage is a lot easier at home — and a lot less expensive — than at your local arena.