Learning to get along will take on new importance post-COVID
Some of our old haunts may be opening up and social life returning at last. But be warned: Not every encounter will be joyful.
We've been starved of adequate social contact for so long that it's going to take some time to reconnect meaningfully with friends, family members and colleagues.
Over the past year, we've all had time to reflect on who we are and what our priorities are, and while some relationships have survived, even thrived while we've lived at a distance, others have suffered or even been blown apart.
Please don't think of this as a failure. It isn't. Just as you have changed and reconsidered how you want to live, the same will be true of others.
If that means some friends who were very close seem less so now, there will probably be other friends with whom you've grown closer.
That said, you may need to prepare for some encounters that will feel awkward or uncomfortable. These won't be easy, but you'll want to manage them as gracefully as possible.
All of us have to spend time with people we find unlikeable — an experience we'll be rediscovering as we go back to our offices and workplaces and attend social gatherings.
How does this discomfort come about? Research shows that when deciding whether we like someone, we're often driven by whether we think they share our outlook on the world: the bias of perceived similarity.
Psychologists at the University of Groningen verified this in a series of experiments in which they asked participants to read job applications.
Participants showed a strong liking for candidates whose outlook they perceived as similar to their own and a definite dislike of those who didn't share their outlook — never mind their aptitude for the job.
And once we form an opinion about someone, it becomes entrenched — you'll pay more attention to information that validates your beliefs than to anything that challenges them.
This “confirmation bias” rarely poses a problem if you like someone, but it makes it almost impossible to find ways to get on with someone you dislike.
Therefore, if you want to find ways to tolerate someone difficult, start by looking for qualities other than those that irritate you. What's acceptable, even admirable, about them that you've been overlooking?
Every time you find yourself noting a difference between you, challenge yourself also to find something similar.
Practice empathy. Try imagining the world from the other person's point of view. What created their beliefs and behaviours? Why do you think they continue to behave as they do?
Finally, accept that your efforts may not always prove successful — after all, no one likes everyone.
If you must continue to interact with someone you dislike, remember that it's up to you and you alone how they make you feel.