A form of sophisticated bullying
How to recognize gaslighting and respond to it
When Joey Ackerman was training to be a psychotherapist, her mentor told her to truly understand gaslighting — a form of manipulation that often occurs in abusive relationships — she needed to watch the movie from which the term originated.
That film is the 1944 psychological thriller Gaslight, starring Charles Boyer, Ingrid Bergman, Angela Lansbury and Joseph Cotten. Bergman's husband tells her she's imagining things when their belongings mysteriously start going missing and she sees the gaslights dim and hears footsteps.
Her husband is hiding the belongings, and secretly turning on the lights in the attic to search for lost jewels. His goal is to make her so mentally unstable she will need to be institutionalized.
“So, historically, gaslighting has meant a conscious way to control and manipulate someone,” said Ackerman.
Some mental-health experts are concerned overusing the term could obscure the abusive nature of gaslighting and reduce its power to help victims recognize ongoing manipulation. For them, it's important that gaslighting retain its original meaning: the experience of having your reality repeatedly challenged by someone who holds more power than you do.
Gaslighting “is a manipulative form of communication where a power differential exists,” said Angela Corbo, an associate professor and chair of communication studies at Widener University in Chester, Pennsylvania It can occur in romantic relationships or friendships, between parents and children, when seeking medical care or even at work.
“I see it as one party distorting information and preying upon another's vulnerability,” said Corbo, who likened it to a “more sophisticated way of looking at bullying.”
Gaslighting is a “devastating” psychological tactic combining “elements of manipulation, control and exploitation of trust,” said Naomi Torres-Mackie, a psychologist at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City, and head of research at the Mental Health Coalition. “Those things are the building blocks of gaslighting.”
It's a pattern of behaviour that occurs over a long duration and not on a one-off basis. A gaslighter will repeatedly twist events to shift blame to someone else, and this emotional abuse can result in his or her victim questioning their own sanity. Over the long term, being on the receiving end of gaslighting can lead to lowered selfworth, feelings of insecurity, depression and anxiety. It can also cause someone to be consumed with self-doubt, said Torres-Mackie.
Among the signs that it's happening are if your partner constantly:
INVALIDATES YOUR EMOTIONS
People who gaslight often trivialize or invalidate their victim's feelings. “Very undermining comments are common,” Torres-Mackie said. For example, someone might say: “You're just being dramatic,” or “Why do you care about this so much?” Other common phrases include: “You're too sensitive,” “You're crazy,” “You're imagining things” and “Don't get so worked up.”
TWISTS REALITY
A person who gaslights will “flip things and twist them back on you,” Torres-Mackie said. He or she will be adamant that you did — or said — things that you know you didn't do. For example: During a fight, one partner calls the other “stupid,” and then that person says, “Hey, you called me stupid!” The person who initially made the derogatory comment might then say, “I didn't call you stupid; you called me stupid,” which is a lie intended to distort reality and control the situation.
FORCES YOU TO APOLOGIZE
Even if you feel betrayed in a certain situation, a gaslighter will “change the narrative” to blame you so that you end up apologizing, Peck said. He or she might say “You made me do it” or find some other way to pin their bad behaviour on you. People who have people-pleasing tendencies, in particular, will catch themselves taking responsibility for things they didn't do.
LEAVES YOU MISTRUSTING YOUR PERCEPTIONS
If you're being gaslit, you'll start doubting yourself, constantly questioning what's real and if, for example, you were overreacting or misunderstood a certain situation.
The first step to stopping gaslighting is understanding what it is.
Here are steps experts suggest taking next:
PAY ATTENTION TO HOW YOU FEEL — TRY WRITING IT DOWN
Corbo suggests asking yourself how you feel when you're around the person gaslighting you: “Do you feel anxious? Do you fear that the person is going to contradict you? Do you find that you might be really confident and outgoing when you're with certain people, but when you're around that other individual, you feel fuzzy?”
WRITE DOWN THE TIME AND DATE
Write down the time and date you have these feelings, so that later — when selfdoubt begins swirling around — you can remind yourself how you felt.
ASSERT YOURSELF, AND THEN STOP THE CONVERSATION
If you're involved in a conversation with a gaslighter, “assert your own reality as much as you can, and as much as is safe,” Torres-Mackie said.
Then, walk away and call someone you're close to, Torres-Mackie suggested. You might tell your friend: “`I know this thing happened, and he's trying to tell me it's not true. I need to share this with you to ground myself,'” she said.
ADDRESS IT AT WORK, WITH HR IF NECESSARY
Not everyone can afford to leave their job, even if they're being gaslit. Document everything that's happening, Torres-Mackie said, and if it feels doable, address the situation with the colleague responsible for the behaviour.
She suggests saying: “Hey, you're telling me X. But my sense is this other thing is right or true. How can we account for that difference?” If you don't feel comfortable starting such a conversation, talk to the human resources department.
Another idea: “See if you can find colleagues who may be experiencing the same thing.”
TALK TO A PROFESSIONAL
Recovering from gaslighting can take years, and working with a therapist is often key to healing. “This is a form of emotional abuse, and if somebody feels like this has kind of taken over their life, I always say talk to a professional,” Corbo said.
Doing so can help you “break the pattern so it doesn't happen again.”