Sister doesn’t seem like family
ASK AMY
I have a younger sister, “Tammy,” who was very cruel to me when we were growing up. Because of her abuse, I left home at 17, and since that time, have grown out of the self-hate that she drilled into me. I’ve built a very strong network of friends, who I now think of as my family.
I have started getting closer to my father, and I enjoy having a relationship with him. He is a kind and intelligent man who worked hard to support his family his whole life. He is retired now, and I am grateful for this opportunity to get to know him as a person. The problem is he thinks I am cruel for refusing to have a relationship with my sister. He says that she is my family, and family needs to stick together, because that’s all we have in the end.
Amy, I agree wholeheartedly with his definition of family, because the family I have built for myself is so incredibly supportive and inspiring to me, but I do not think of my sister as falling into this category.
I do not know this woman, nor do I wish to. From what I can surmise, she seems just as nasty as ever.
My father says I am “living in the past” and says I am being juvenile. He yells at me and puts me down when I refuse to associate with her. I say, I have moved on and come to respect myself enough to choose the people I want in my life. I want him in my life, but this seems to be a sticking point. What do you think? — HAPPILY ESTRANGED
Being related to someone often requires a level of tolerance you wouldn’t extend toward a stranger, but I disagree with the assertion that “family is all we have in the end.”
Sharing DNA with someone does not guarantee any particular kinship. For some people, “family” becomes something to escape, not embrace.
You don’t mention if your sister has ever extended a hand toward you regarding having a relationship. If she does, you should consider attempting some sort of reconciliation.
Your father’s treatment toward you — yelling at you and putting you down — speaks not only to his anxiety about this, but a sort of bullying behaviour that seems to run in the family.
If you have no intention of reconciling with your sister, you should tell him, “I know this is hard for you, but you don’t have the right to bully me any more than she does.”