Mom can help lovesick teen become Wonder Woman
Dear Amy: I have a lovely daughter who just turned 13. She’s happy, smart, kind and caring. During the last school year (seventh grade) she asked if she could date a boy. At first I said “no.” Then she insisted that it would only be a simple silly “kid dating” thing, and I then allowed it. Fast-forward to six months later, and things have changed.
Over the summer break this boy has done what many kids of this age might do — play video games and sleep.
He’s made little effort to see her, which is fine by me. But when she gets in touch with him, he tells her all the things a girl loves to hear and then goes back to doing the same things.
She’s smitten and committed to their relationship. But she’s also sad, which breaks my heart.
As a mother I want to tell her to run. I want to pull the parent card and tell her she CAN’T date anymore, but I also know that this is the fastest way to send her 100 percent to the opposite direction.
How can I stop her from heading into this doormatstyle career of dating? — HEARTBROKEN MOM
Dear Heartbroken: Your daughter is adopting the cultural relationship tropes she sees around her — the concepts of dating, emotional (and probably some physical) intimacy, and exclusivity.
The only hitch is that Cary Grant is dead, George Clooney is too old, and your daughter is stuck “dating” a 13-year-old boy. From your description, this boy is simply being himself, doing what he feels like doing, and quite oblivious to the impact on her. Plus, if he wanted to see her, he would.
Her current behaviour does not consign her to life as a doormat. But you should gently lead her toward her own power, not in relation to boys, but in relation to herself.
Ask her to grab some girlfriends and take them to see the movie Wonder Woman at the multiplex. Afterward, ask what’s different about that movie, and how they feel about it. Tell them that this superhero movie was directed by a woman, because she didn’t see enough examples of how strong, smart and brave women are. Follow up with a home viewing of Hidden Figures (or read the wonderful book).
Encourage her to be busy and active, and to develop a new skill (like playing poker, or the ukulele).
Let her know, “He is putting himself first, and that’s what 13-year-olds are supposed to do. You should put yourself first, too. I don’t like to see you this way, because you are giving your power to someone else.”
This all started when your daughter was 12. Yes, she was too young to “date,” and she still is too young. If you played the parent card now, she might (secretly) be quite relieved.
The hidden figure in this situation is the girl’s father or another adult male who loves her. He should talk to her tenderly, listen to her lovingly, and let her know that it is vital that she be with people who respect her.
Obviously, scan your daughter’s social media, and act immediately if you detect signs of obsession or depression.
Dear Amy: I’m having a problem getting a friend to live up to her agreement to split expenses on a recent trip.
She (friend, not “date,” as we are not romantically involved in any way) was traveling on a vacation to my town in central Florida (not staying with me, but with other friends of hers). But, since my brother recently moved to NYC, she wanted to fly into NYC (so she could stay cheaply) and wanted me to come north from Florida so we could spend a week and go sightseeing, and then we would fly to Florida together.
I agreed to go to New York with the understanding that we’d split costs.
When we got back to my town in Florida and I asked her to pay for half of the parking fee for the airport parking, my friend asked why she should have to “pay for [my] parking.”
This isn’t a cheap fee — it was $100, though cheaper than alternative airport shuttles/limos.
Am I correct in asking for the payment since I would NOT have gone on this trip and, thus, not incurred the parking fee, except that I agreed to go with her and then drive her home from the airport? — FLORIDA FAN
Dear Fan: I’m a bit on the fence here, but I don’t think you are owed a parking fee for your own car for a trip you wanted/ chose to take. Granted, if your car hadn’t been there at the airport, you both would have incurred a transportation fee to get to your final destinations, but you craftily imply that this airport ride was (almost) the sole purpose of you going on this week-long vacation. (And yes, it was very nice of you.)
Ideally, your friend would have offered to compensate you for the one-way airport transportation you provided (it can be quite expensive) without you invoicing her, but I don’t believe she actually owes this to you.
Her expense in getting to and from her home airport and your expense in getting to and from your home airport are your own expenses to bear, at least in my opinion. Readers enjoy weighing in on this sort of question, and I will run responses in future columns.
Dear Amy: My fiance and I both have demanding jobs that require us to work long hours. To help around the house, we hired a lovely woman to assist with cleaning, laundry, etc. She does a good job and I trust her, so I want to keep her happy.
About a year ago she gave us a comforter set with matching throw pillows for our bed. It was a kind, generous gift, especially considering that she has a family to care for and is not of great means.
We’ve been using the comforter she gave us for about a year now. The issue is that I don’t particularly like the pattern, and I have a beautiful, down duvet that I would prefer to be using. We are also getting married soon and I received a lovely duvet cover at my bridal shower (for which I had registered).
Because she changes our sheets, I need to tell her that I would prefer to be using my down duvet and the new cover, but I don’t want to possibly offend her. How can I do this tactfully? — GRATEFUL
Dear Grateful: You have been using this set for a year, and now that you are getting married and receiving gifts, it is time to add more selections to your bedding rotation.
Tell your cleaner, “We received another bedding set for a wedding gift, so we’re going to start using it. I’m going to pack your gift to use for guests and other special occasions. Thank you again for your generosity — I’ll always treasure this gift as our first nice bedding set as a couple.” Make sure the set she gave you is cleaned properly. Get a special bag to store these things in, label it and store it respectfully.