My controlling husband is totally out of control

Q: My husband is very controlling.

His first wife cheated on him several times.

He’d do anything for me, but if I put my foot down about his controlling, he gets furious.

I suspect that he’d cheated and lies about it because he’s always accused me of it.

Wherever I’ve worked, he’d come inside to check on me.

He’d even sit outside my place of business sometimes for eight hours straight since I worked nights and weekends.

He wouldn’t let me go anywhere by myself, and he still doesn’t after 32 years together.

When a friend with marital problems phoned me, he hung over me and listened to every word.

Later, he asked why I need friends when I’ve got him.

I got so tired of being accused of cheating that I met someone at my work and told him. I left my husband for a couple of weeks and stayed with a friend. He begged me to come back.

I think I cheated just to break away. After, I never spoke to that man again. That was 15 years ago.

My husband’s retired now. We go nowhere, do nothing. I have no friends because of him.

I use the computer, but I’m not on social media. He still thinks that I’m finding men online.

I’m not close with any of my family. But when my sister called on my birthday, he didn’t want me to call her back.

He wants to move away and not tell anyone where we live, not even our kids. I wouldn’t be able to see my grandkids.

Nobody knows what goes on here. I can’t take it any longer.

We haven’t had sex in years, no kissing. He won’t say he loves me. If I say it, he just says “ditto.”

Drowning in Depression

A: Save yourself. You’re not physically a prisoner (if you feel that you are, leave the house on an excuse and/or call the police).

Call your children to a meeting, online if necessary, and describe the state of your life together, with you as an emotional hostage.

Your husband needs a medical check to see if there’s a physical cause for his behaviour, along with a psychiatric examination.

To do nothing is to allow further entrapped isolation, which is dangerous for both of you.

Q: I’m a divorced mother of a married daughter with two grandchildren, a marketing graduate and a retired civil servant. I’m presently doing contract housekeeping and petty trading.

I’d like to meet a good, God-fearing man of 55-60 for a relationship that can lead to marriage.

Hope You Can Help Me

A: I can advise you, but I don’t set up dates (which seemed expected when you included your email for me to publish or connect you with men).

My advice is that you use your many talents, skills, interests and past contacts to get out and meet people.

Connect with former colleagues and attend social gatherings together. Participate in special occasions at your place of prayer. Even the family events at your grandchildren’s schools can provide new friendships.

Broadening your contacts among both women and men increases your chances of being introduced to suitable men to date, especially if you have an easy smile and open manner.

I’m not saying that it’s easy for single middle-aged women or men to find new companionship that leads to future marriage.

But it’s a lot harder on you if you just wait and wish for it to happen.

Ellie’s tip of the day

If a partner’s control creates isolation/ depression, plan a safe exit, reach out to any family and/or call police.