Disney vacation becomes a lesson for young family
Q: My wife of five years and I have a son, four, and another boy coming.
I earn well but we spent more of my income these past two years when my wife was unable to get the education needed to get a good job.
She doesn’t have a career plan, or any perspective to increase her income. I’m in charge of 70 per cent of all shared expenses, and I’m aiming towards equality.
With some savings mechanisms and as sole contributor to my son’s education fund, she ends up with more money than me to spend.
Now, she’s decided to plan a 17-day Disney World vacation.
This trip wasn’t my choice, nor was I asked my preferences. My young son would rather play with his friends anywhere else.
Despite being overshadowed, I’ve crunched the numbers and came up with a whopping budget, including travel tickets, parks, car rental, etc.
Since it’s her trip, I agreed to contribute a little less than the cost.
She was unable to reach the amount she was supposed to save, and I’m uncomfortable about the added amount I’d have to cover. If I paid it, she wouldn’t learn from the situation.
I want her to be financially accountable, responsible and understand that she cannot take her monthly share of expenses to pay for a vacation.
It’s causing major stress at home. Am I being unfair for making her pay more for this trip? Is it unreasonable for me to ask her to contribute more since it's her plan?
Financially Uncomfortable
A: No matter whether the male or female is the primary earner, the response that’s non-blaming and still accommodating, is this:
“Honey, we can’t afford this 17-day trip. But since it’s so important to you, let’s go for 10 days or a week.”
Your approach is, instead, overbearing. She’s been through major changes, raising a toddler those two years that she couldn’t get a better job, then pregnant in this second year.
Yes, finances should be shared equally when possible, but when one partner’s teaching “lessons” to the other, it feels like control, not equality.
Q: I love my wife. She’s lost any connection with me. I’ve tried for five years and our two children seem to agree.
Their new stepdad, whom I’ve never met, seems to be OK with this.
There’s much more to this story. We’ve been together for years.
Can you help?
A: Your pain comes through clearly, but not enough information.
A “new” stepfather means there are now three people involved with your children, each of you with interests and roles regarding them.
The long story you hint at should’ve included accounts of attempts to help the marriage by tackling the issues that were driving you apart.
Without such clues, why have I included this question? For readers, it’s to demonstrate what’s needed when a relationship starts to weaken.
It has to start with facing the truths of what’s happening, trying to resolve what you can, and compromising on what you can’t fully resolve.
Next, seeking professional help — for example, asking your doctor for referral to a therapist, or choosing pastoral counselling, or finding various community-resources that provide couples’ counselling, group therapy, etc.
But for the letter-writer, I advise you to tell the whole story — whether to me, anonymously through this column, or in a counselling process from which you and likely your children, too, can benefit.