I wish my friends had told me about cheating spouse
Reader’s Commentary:
“This is about the despair that an affair causes in the children involved.
“To the ‘other woman’: When you’re having an affair with someone’s husband and father, the man who’s loving to you is going home and treating his wife and family very differently than before the affair.
“We’re now in the way of his freedom to communicate and be with you.
“We’re wondering why he snaps at us, carries his phone everywhere, why explanations for his absences don’t make sense.
“We start questioning ourselves — why doesn’t he want to go to the movies or even eat with us anymore? What are we doing wrong?
“As he falls more in love with you, the verbal and emotional abuse kicks in.
“As his wife of 20+ years, busy with my career and our teenagers’ lives, he’s absent from our lives — physically or mentally — and isn’t with us even when present.
“He snaps constantly. I cannot measure up to you.
“I’m wondering why my kids are also snapping at me. I’m trying to hold this family together and wondering what the hell is going on.
“My ex-husband ramped up his affair every night after I went to bed — via text — while our teenager sat beside him watching TV.
“The astute teenager realized something was up, so while their dad was out of the room without his precious phone, my child read all of the conversations he was having with this other woman.
“They knew that their mother was being hurt.
“This woman was sending pornographic pictures of herself to my husband.
“Guess who saw these and later walked in on their dad masturbating to these pictures?
“My ex-husband’s behaviour led my child to self-harm and ultimately end up in a psychiatric ward for awhile.
“So, to the other woman: Do you think your affair is just between the two of you? Think again. You’re destroying the lives and health of innocent people who’ve done nothing to you.
“You have a choice: By continuing in the affair, you’re complicit in the mental abuse that’s dished out when he gets home from being with you.
“My ex-husband’s entire family knew about his affair — siblings, nieces and nephews.
“My family then became a source of gossip among family friends for two years.
“To all of you who know about an affair: Please say something to the spouse, either directly or anonymously.
“They may not be immediately thankful but will become grateful that you put them out of their misery.
“For two years, this group of people debated whether to tell me. At first they concluded that I must have been part of an ‘arrangement’ allowing my husband another partner.
“This is a stupid fallacy. Who would agree to emotional, physical and mental abuse? Wouldn’t you want to know and have public humiliation stop?
“If someone had had the courage, they could have saved my children and me two years of hell.
“Over 25 people knew what he was doing, and they all kept silent.
“I judge them all very harshly, still, for this as they hurt my children with their silence.”
Ellie: You’ve provided a strong reality check for cheaters and their partners.
If couples had the courage to confront an unhappy marriage, examine their own part in it, get counselling help and, if unable to reconnect, mediate a legal separation, such a terrible ordeal would not be placed on innocent children.
Ellie’s tip of the day:
Revealing an illicit affair (even anonymously) “helps” the betrayed spouse and the children to deal with it sooner.
Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.