How can I stop an alcoholic brother from landing on street

Q: My brother’s an alcoholic who may end up sleeping on the streets. He’s my younger brother, now 34. I’m 38. He became a successful travelling salesman, whose clients always appreciated his visits ending with drinks.

I’m an insurance company manager who goes straight home to my wife and kids.

Everything changed several years ago when his employer sold the business. He could’ve easily gotten another sales job, but he became angry, then depressed.

He hasn’t worked since. Instead, he drinks. His ex-girlfriend (who eventually kicked him out of her apartment) told me that he’d been going through his savings and is nearly broke.

I paid for him to get alcohol abuse disorder counselling, and tried to enter him into a 30-day rehab program, but he bolted on the second day.

I’m prepared to pay his rent and meals there so he’s not destitute, but don’t know what else I can/should do.

My wife’s sympathetic but neither of us want our children living with a visibly drunk uncle who’s given up on his own life.

A: It’s worth my repeating for every similar situation: Attend an Al-Anon group for your own personal support, and for learning how others have handled the addictions of close people, including the effects on themselves.

Meet with an addiction counsellor to learn more about what’s worked with some clients. Try to encourage your brother to attend an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, and accompany him.

Seeing people from every background acknowledging alcohol’s hold on them and seeking/giving mutual support, can be a powerful moment for him.

Perhaps he’ll someday want to join them. Stay connected.

Q: My grandparents, in their 80s, have until now been in great health. Two Christmases ago they came to sleep over and spend Christmas Day with the family.

After we visited, everyone decided to take a walk. My grandparents were tired and opted for a nap. When we returned, they’d already left. We called. Grandma said she wasn’t feeling well.

This has happened at every family gathering since. If they come “for dinner,” they stay 15/20 minutes, ask the same questions repeatedly, then leave because Grandma isn’t feeling well.

If we plan to visit them, they call at the last minute to say she isn’t feeling well.

We were very worried about her health and her memory, and asked her to see her doctor. According to the doctor, she’s in perfect health with no signs of memory loss.

This behaviour is causing family tension as everyone feels they don’t care about us anymore.

My mom recently had cancer and chemotherapy and they never asked about her. When we express concern, they get angry and tell us to mind our own business. I miss my grandparents so much.

A: Your family’s reacting from their own hurt feelings. But your grandparents, in their 80s, are likely dealing with increased frailties and fears, especially concerning your grandmother.

Accepting her own version of what the doctor “said,” gave her permission to carry on not wanting to disturb the family with bad news.

It’s now up to senior members of the family to go to their home and insist on knowing what’s going on with their energies, memory, and any serious conditions.

Ellie’s tip of the day

Addiction can affect everyone in a family. Al-Anon and other similar programs (e.g. Nar-Anon) offer significant help.