My wife found out I was cheating and won’t forgive me

Q: My wife discovered six months ago that I was cheating with a woman who works in the same building (but not the same company) as I do.

I was taking a huge risk but the excitement level was almost addictive.

I also knew it was wrong, but kept lying that I had to “work late.” My wife became suspicious and snooped my phone when I was asleep.

We haven’t had sex since she confronted me and I confessed.

She threatened a bitter divorce and that she’d tell our kids how I caused it.

I apologized profusely and ended all contact with the other woman. I’ve told her that my phone and email are available for her to check if she chooses. I call her from work daily, and come home directly. But she can’t forgive me or move forward, though she doesn’t mention divorce any more.

Is there anything I can do to help us renew our marriage and be happy? Reformed Cheater

A: Your wife has to believe that you’re truly remorseful, not just saving yourself from the upheaval of divorce.

You must tell her that you recognize how deeply you hurt her and that it destroyed her trust in you.

Though those are “just words,” they’ll be far more believable if said when both of you are speaking openly in front of a professional therapist.

I know it’s not always easy to get an appointment right away, nor find a person you feel is the “right fit,” nor to convince the woman who was betrayed — your wife — that she needs to go to counselling with you.

So, I recommend that you start the process for yourself.

Tell her you’re going to get help finding out how you could’ve cheated, knowing that, if caught, it could destroy your marriage and family.

Once you attend a few therapy sessions on your own, and share what you’ve learned, your wife may be willing to come along at least once.

That’ll give you the opportunity to share, in front of the therapist, the depth of your sorrow and shame at having torn down years of marital partnership and trust.

If your wife agrees to attend, this can be the beginning of her trying to believe that you two can be a committed couple again.

It’s your best chance at moving forward.

Reader’s commentary regarding a woman’s difficulties with a “friend” of 40 years (Oct. 8):

“Most people with addiction issues (her friend was an alcoholic) have difficulty handling stress.

“When a person uses some drug and/ or alcohol over a period of time, the body stops producing our ‘feel-good’ hormone, dopamine, which is replaced by the drug/alcohol.

“Without medical and psychological intervention, or support systems, some people rely too heavily on a ‘friend’ to fill a void that no one person can fill.

“It leaves the empathic support person drained and exhausted.

“If this friend is dealing with a narcissistic person, it’s futile to try to explain what she’s done wrong because she likely views herself as the victim.

“She may rage on her friend, and throw a guilt and shame trip back at her.

“I hope this ‘fed-up’ friend is strong enough to walk away, and not engage in this argument.

“She cannot save her friend, who needs professional help.

“Note: The books ‘The Human Magnet Syndrome,’ by Ross Rosenberg, and ‘When Pleasing You Is Killing Me,’ by Les Carter, PhD, can provide insights on narcissistic and highly empathic personalities.”

Ellie’s tip of the day

Restoring trust after cheating isn’t easy. Apologizing and recognizing the depth of hurt caused is essential.