Should we cancel Easter with 83-year-old mom?
Note to readers: For years, I’ve answered your questions two weeks ahead, to be on time for publication. Thus, recent columns were written before the reality of COVID-19 elicited your concerns. Some columns still include pre-virus issues, but many will reflect how our relationships are affected in the new not-so-normal.
Q: My family is divided on everything about COVID-19, threatening to ruin any chance of having a traditional Easter celebration.
My younger sister’s husband dismisses all precautions and stands close when speaking.
My husband and I believe strongly in the scientists’ advice about avoiding touching/shaking hands, and washing hands immediately if you’ve had such contact.
My brother’s wife has become a hoarder. I’m embarrassed by her pride in having “swept the shelves” of goods in her neighbourhood stores. My mother, 83, who had pneumonia several months ago, cries because we won’t let her host Easter dinner. She doesn’t accept that her health is “compromised.”
We’re even thinking of banning my brother-in-law from attending in case he could be carrying the virus. But my sister wants him present, and Mom cooking and present.
Should we just call off Easter dinner as part of the emergency reaction in the hopes we’ll all be well to celebrate the next big holiday, after the virus has been contained? Anxious about Virus
A: Anxiety is natural, but part of staying healthy requires dealing more with facts than fears.
The reality of a pandemic is that major precautions must be taken by everyone and that health-protective information must come from the virology experts.
Try to find common ground in order to make this difficult time easier on everyone. You all need to focus on the need to support
each other, especially your mom.
Gatherings where people are socializing close together are discouraged. Consider restricting Easter dinner to just the numbers of people who can be spaced out in seating and who will respect the protocols for reducing contact. If any person/couple argues against that, do not hold an allfamily gathering.
The pandemic will eventually ease. Till it does, do everything possible to stay healthy and help your family do the same.
Q: I got involved with a friend who’s dealing with trauma from a very toxic relationship that ended over a year ago.
His ex was verbally abusive, controlling, manipulative and gaslit him. We met recently and had instant chemistry. I haven’t felt this way in a long time. We grew very close, got intimate. Then he pulled the plug without talking to me, just tunnelling in on himself. All he’d tell me was that he was having nightmares about the ex, that he was in a low spot and needed space.
I was confused and hurt, but I gave him what he asked for. Now that things aren’t as intense, and we’ve both had a chance to get our feelings under control, I want to be his friend.
I still feel like there’s a future for us somewhere. How can I support him as he’s dealing with this kind of trauma? Hoping
A: Wanting to be his friend is not the same as hoping for a future with him. And he knows it. That’s why he wanted “space” as soon as he felt the intimacy between you drawing him into a relationship.
Since his previous relationship was traumatic, it’s not surprising that he’s cautious (scared) of getting that closely involved with someone again. Be a friend by showing that you truly understand. Don’t initiate all the contact between you. Date others. There’s a greater chance, then, that if he felt something special between you, he’ll want to see you as more than a friend.
Ellie’s tip of the day
Follow experts’ advice and support relatives’ efforts to stay healthy through the pandemic. Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.