Did I break up with my fiancé for wrong reasons?

Note to readers: The COVID-19 spread has demanded new protocols in how we live in Canada. The social distancing we did just weeks ago is no longer enough to prevent the possibility of contagion.

The advice I gave to a family about Easter Dinner, written two weeks before publication, is now totally wrong which I deeply regret, in light of the newest data about how many lives are at risk if we don’t all act defensively, immediately.

We must stay home, self-isolate and follow the advice of public health officials and our governments. Do NOT have social gatherings in person, neither Easter dinner nor Passover Seders nor Ramadan gatherings or any other get-togethers.

Q: I’m 31 and not ill, but the COVID-19 virus has already affected my relationship. The circumstances around it have revealed how differently my fiancé and I think about big issues.

We were on a two-week vacation in the sun when reports on the numbers of people with symptoms started rising. He played golf and watched the stock market. I started packing our bags. We argued over that difference for days … he wanted to stay in the warm weather, I wanted to go home where my family lives.

My parents are seniors — healthy, but vulnerable to the flu whenever it’s going around. I needed to be home to shop for them if they became ill and quarantined.

My fiancé said I was overreacting and that they could order from Amazon and some supermarkets.

I remembered the books I’d read about survivors of dire events … some of those stories showed vastly different ends for those who hesitated to leave their belongings versus those who fled to safety and started new lives, sometimes with nothing but the clothes they were wearing. I finally told him that we had to agree on when the facts dictated that it was time to leave or stay.

He refused to “ruin” his holiday and

also not get a refund from the resort for leaving early. I closed my suitcase, gave him back the ring and left. My close friend says I made a mistake because this is such an intensely anxious time of conflicting information and fear. But I still feel hurt that he couldn’t accept my need to leave. Do you think I broke up with my fiancé for the wrong reasons? Virus Affects Relationships

A: It’s hard enough to deal with the constantly changing news flashes, and worries about vulnerable relatives, without being on opposite sides with your partner when a major decision has to be made.

Countless people were caught these past weeks/months facing important decisions: whether to cancel long-planned trips (and yes, lose deposits), attend weddings/special occasions or avoid the travel and crowds … etc. You discovered a truth you must have sensed before but ignored: you and your fiancé appear to have different values. There’s nothing wrong with loving golf. Nor wanting a potential refund. But he’ll surely be able to golf again.

What’s wrong is not appreciating a partner’s basic belief system during a historic pandemic: You cared about your family. For you, it meant time to leave. He’s young, healthy and will have many chances to golf again, when this time passes.

You didn’t mention love. It’s always a clue. If nothing changes (him “getting it” or you missing him, not the engagement), you know the answer.

Reader’s commentary on accepting abuse.

“I left an emotionally abusive home at 15, married at 16 and after six months realized he was a physical abuser. When eight months pregnant, his violence almost killed me. Our second child was the result of rape. Paramount was the children’s mental health. I divorced with no child support. I went to night school, worked and kept good relations with their father for the kids’ sakes.

I never remarried until in my 50s. Children should always come first.” Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: ellie@thestar.ca.