Support the grieving with honesty, compassion, patience

A lot of the work I have done as a minister has been around death and dying. I have come to some conclusions about the subject, but a recent book titled As Long as You Need: Permission to Grieve, by J.S. Park and published by Zondervan, has put much of my learned experience into print.

J.S. Park is a pastor who served for eight years as a chaplain at Tampa General Hospital. He responded to all manner of sickness and pain — terminal patients, estranged families and victims of devastating accidents. For years Park sat at bedside with the dying, ill and injured, listening to their stories and providing a gentle presence during the very worst moments of people's lives.

Some the things Park learned are shared in this book. He said that there are any number of things people say that aren't helpful but there are words that can genuinely help those experiencing trauma and death.

He points out that one of the worst things people can say in speaking to those confronting death is “Everything happens for a reason.” Sometime death is unreasonable.

The biggest myth Park sees is that grief is a poison that we must get past.

“There's positive intent in those words,” he says, “because the sadness of grief is so hard to deal with.”

But grief, he reminds us, is part of our human process.

“Trying to insert future hope in the present loss can only harm us, because it's rushing us towards a conclusion that so many of us are not ready for.”

The first step out of that myth, he says, is to not look away from grief, but to let it in. He continues, “The reason that loss hurts so much is because that person, that dream, the thing that we lost meant so much to us. How do we honor that?”

He goes on to talk about the sugar-coated cliches we use. This is God's will for your life. Everything happens for a reason. God is using this to refine you. God needed another angel in heaven.

This, Park says, is Swiss cheese theology. It's full of holes. “I've seen it in pop culture too. Be strong. Just think positive. Phrases that try to wrap up grief in a single sentence can be some of the most harmful things you can say.”

Park offers positive suggestions.

“Everyone grieves differently,” he reminds us. “We know the people we love. And if we pause for a moment and empathize, we can find what they need. It's not necessarily going to be words.”

This affirms my own pastoral experience. When a spouse or family has dedicated their lives to several years of supporting a declining family member, I might ask after death if they feel as if a weight has been lifted from their shoulders. Invariably the answer is yes. And I affirm that. The grieving process before death, coupled with the anxiety and fatigue of constant care is physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually draining. Not to feel as if a burden has been lifted is more concerning.

In the time of visitation following the death of former prime minister Brian Mulroney I heard a helpful comment from his family. They said that the best part of the visitation, which lasted several days, was to hear the kind words of everyday Canadians who came to pay their respects. They loved to hear the stories that often began, “I remember when...” and what followed was a story of how Brian Mulroney had touched that person's life in a small but significant way.

Perhaps the simplest words are best. I am so sorry for your loss. My deepest sympathies. Or a kind word, gesture or story.

Death is our common experience. Let's not suppress grief but let's be present with each other in it.

David Shearman is a retired United Church minister in Owen Sound.