Loud and proud

Ihave

been taking the defend position in the loud pipe debate. I feel it my duty, not because I believe any of that “loud pipes save lives” tripe, but because I believe motorcyclists are being unfairly singled out for something that is not really a bike problem. Mind you, the sound of a well-tuned engine always puts a smile on my face, but let’s not let that fact cloud the issue.

Telegram intern Robin Levinson did her own mini-study over the past couple of weeks, and reported her results in these pages on Thursday. If you missed it, she sat at a sidewalk table in downtown St. John’s for a couple of hours on a sunny afternoon and used a handy-dandy iPhone app (dB Volume Meter) to measure the Water Street racket.

She experienced four incidents of excessive noise: a bike, a bus, a truck and a car. Hardly scientific, but to my knowledge this is the first time in the years we have been batting this issue around that someone took the time to see who is really making the noise.

OK, so now we can agree it is not just that sparkly Harley ridden by some Hell’s Accountant that’s filling our ears while we’re trying to enjoy a quiet latté. What to do, what to do …

There are those who justify their anti-pipe prejudice by saying that, of the vehicles on that list, only the motorcycle has been wilfully modified to add volume to the rumble of the exhaust. These changes, they spit, serve no purpose other than excessive volume.

You might expect most of the riders to agree, and then stridently contend the volume is a safety feature. To quote one fiery redhead, on that I call shenanigans. Guys, if it’s safety you want, paint your bike, throw away the fashion-slave leathers and get yourself a bright, yellow jacket. Otherwise, man up and tell the truth: you think those pipes sound heavenly.

Still, we can be fairly certain the extra-throaty sports car young Ms. Levinson noted has also been modified. Was it just to pump up the jam and, if so, shouldn’t said motorist be just as liable for shattering the otherwise idyllic calm of a sunny downtown day?

Of course he should. (It really is most likely a he, isn’t it?) But where, then, do you draw the line? There are certainly modifications that can help quiet some of the noisier vehicles that are born that way, as it were. If noise is the issue, if this whole sad argument is really about our delicate aural organs, should we not impose cotton-balled oppression upon all these cacophonous criminals?

If you really want to quiet the streets of the city, ban the engine! That’s right, no more internal combustion from Torbay to Mount Pearl. No more pungent petroleum or dirty diesel, their uproarious explosions banished from the happy streets of the provincial capital. Go full electric, and see then if we can hear ourselves think over the quiet hum of copper-wound motors churning the commuters along.

And then cower at what new, empty issue the curmudgeons will trot out.

Ken Simmons, The Telegram’s new media editor, breathes exhaust and exhales clean, fresh air. Twitter @Ken_Simmons_NL/Tumblr