LATE LAUGHS

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

It looks like Paula Deen’s contract with the Food Network will not be renewed after some fallout from her admitting to using a racial slur. She’s going to appear on the “Today” show this Wednesday to discuss this scandal, as well as the benefits of covering your foot with butter before putting it in your mouth. Listen to this: The NSA say they have developed a robotic bird that looks and flies like a bird to use for surveillance. So if you see a bird outside your window tweeting, and he’s doing it with a BlackBerry, he’s spying on you. Be careful. The “Tanning Mom” is in the news again. She posed topless for photos in Malibu. Now PETA is after her. They thought she was wearing leather. Not good.

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

Oh, man, this is big, you guys. It was just announced that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have named their daughter North West. Or as Southwest Airlines put it, “Please don’t have a second child.” And finally, a company in Japan has a new watch with a built-in Breathalyzer that can tell you if you’re drunk. Which would probably work better if the watch didn’t always list the time as “Five o’clock somewhere.” Listen to this: A fan of Captain Crunch cereal pointed out that the captain on the cover of the box is actually a commander because he only has three stripes on his uniform. Of course, some are saying that anyone who leads a ship can technically be called a captain, while others are saying, “Who cares?”

Late Show With David Letterman

But Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, he’s the guy who made “Death to America” a popular slogan. He popularized “Death to America.” ... Now his successor, Hassan Rouhani, is a moderate and he doesn’t believe in “Death to America.” He believes in lingering illness to America. But this Hassan Rouhani has promised that he will boldly lead Iran into the 14th century. So we can hardly wait for that.

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

The Stephen King book “Under the Dome” is set in Maine. He sets all his scary stories in Maine, which can’t be good for tourism in Maine. The governor of Maine must be like, “Stephen, why not write a book about our tasty crabs? Or our seafood, perhaps?”

Jimmy Kimmel Live

This a big week for Kanye West — his new album “Yeezus” dropped today, his baby dropped Saturday. ... We’d better put some newspaper under him in case anything else drops. He’s calling it “Yeezus.” He combined the names Kanye and Jesus to form “Yeezus.” And that’s why people don’t like him.

Conan

I’m excited because this Sunday’s Father’s Day, and I’m a dad. I don’t know what I’m getting yet, but I have a feeling the government knows. A recent report finds that, by the year 2043, white people will no longer be the majority in America. And by 2050, people will be saying, “I’m not racist — one of my best friends is white.”