LATELAUGHS
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
Welcome to “The Tonight Show.” Today is Wednesday — or as Miley Cyrus calls that, “Hump Day.” Vice President Joe Biden said today that “Syria must be held accountable.” Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that. The secretary of the treasury told Congress that we will be out of money by October. And of course, a lot of Americans are shocked by this. Didn’t you think we were already out of money? We have a whole month worth of money left? Let’s party!
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
This is crazy. I read that the average price for a One Direction concert ticket has climbed to $674. Which is why I usually just wear a shirt that says “Security.” Check this out. A new survey found that 10 percent of Americans admit to looking at their smartphones during sex. Yeah, it gets awkward when you hear your partner scream “Yes! Yes!” and it’s just because they got a high score on Candy Crush. This is interesting. Political experts are saying that Joe Biden needs to start doing more fundraising if he wants to run for president in 2016. A lot of people are saying they’d definitely donate to a Biden campaign. Most of them are Republicans, but still ... .
Late Show With David Letterman
Well, U.S. warships are heading toward Syria. Oh, my God, this is going to be kind of an enjoyable switch for Obama. Now he can start a war that the next president will be stuck with. If you’re thinking of going to Trump University, I will say it’s easy to get into. All you have to have is a birth certificate, and you get right in.
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
It’s also a great day for a 64-year-old grandmother who became the first person to swim from Cuba to Florida. Congratulations, she did it! Sixty-four years old! Sixty-four ... that’s old to be a long-distance swimmer. And this was her fifth attempt to swim to Florida from Cuba. So it goes to show you that old people really love Florida.
Jimmy Kimmel Live
As a negotiation tactic, Time Warner blacked out all CBS stations for a month in those markets. People were forced to get by with only 377 other channels.
Conan
On its one-year anniversary of landing on Mars, the Mars rover Curiosity sang “Happy birthday to me.” It then got really depressed and shot itself. Michelle Obama’s new initiative is to fight obesity through hip-hop. She’s hoping it goes better than her previous initiative: fighting marijuana use through reggae. If A-Rod is suspended from major league baseball, he also won’t be able to play in Japan, South Korea and Taiwan. Which means someone’s company’s softball team is really going to start kicking ass.