Life on Mars is not for me

I’m not sorry I missed the opportunity to apply for the job of Mars colonizer. Considering I’m not even interested in moving to Kenmount Terrace, Mars would be out of the question.

There are, however, six Canadians still in the running for a dubious mission proposed by a Dutch-based non-profit called Mars One. The goal is to send 24 people on a one-way mission to the Red Planet by 2024.

You read that right — no return flight on this trip. So don’t forget to write.

What’s amazing about this fantastic voyage is that more than 200,000 people from around the world actually signed up for consideration, including 75 Canadians.

You have to ask yourself, how bad can housing prices be if that many people want to move to a new desert development eight months away by spacecraft?

Consider the implications. First, you’ll never be able to step outside for a breath of fresh air again. If you live in Delhi or Beijing, that may not be an issue, but what are these Canadian applicants thinking?

Second, if you don’t like your neighbours, what are you going to do, start your own suburb? From the artist’s conception, this colony will look like a line of giant composting bins connected by oversized vacuum hoses. Everyone will be in everyone else’s face. If you’re not an avowed people person, you’re in trouble.

Perhaps these Martians-inwaiting have been inspired by fictional accounts of space colonization. If that’s the case, I don’t know what books or movies they’ve been consuming, because I can’t think of a single one that doesn’t devolve into some sort of dystopian nightmare.

That chap who made it all the way to Jupiter in “2001: A Space Odyssey” was rewarded with a ’70s-era light show and a visit with an old man drinking wine. Not worth the cash, if you ask me.

In fictional accounts, space encounters never go well. Something bad always happens. If you don’t run into a nasty extraterrestrial or two, your own colleagues go mad and cut your throat.

In “Capricorn One,” the astronauts don’t even make it to Mars. They’re pulled out at the last minute and ordered to fake a Mars landing on a giant movie set. After that, they’re targeted for termination by the mission chief.

And they didn’t even escape Earth’s gravity.

So, why? What does Mars One hope to achieve with this voyage of discovery?

“Mars is the stepping stone of the human race on its voyage into the universe,” the organization proclaims on its website. “Human settlement on Mars will aid our understanding of the origins of the solar system, the origins of life and our place in the universe.”

Well, the universe is a pretty cold, dark and — if “Star Trek” is any indication — unfriendly place. Do we really want to open up that can of worms?

Put it this way. If you’re still determined to go to Mars, no one’s stopping you. But don’t try to blame your travel agent if it doesn’t work out.