Hidden abuse
Women say more guidance needed for people suffering abuse
They look like normal women. Sharply dressed, nicely applied makeup and stylish hair.
But Mary and Sarah are abused women.
They don’t have bruises, scratches or marks on their body, but they live in constant fear of their partners.
“He never laid a hand on me, but I was scared to death of him,” Mary said of her ex-husband, who she left after 20 years of marriage.
“I don’t know what he’s going to do next,” added Sarah, referring to a former boyfriend who won’t leave her alone after they split almost two years ago.
Mary and Sarah (not their real names) have suffered emotional and psychological abuse. Both have looked for help, but say everywhere they turned, they got nowhere.
“Unless you’re physically beaten or get killed, it seems nobody can do anything,” Mary said.
The women are speaking out to say more has to be done for people who endure a different kind of suffering inflicted by their partners.
Mary knew she’d had enough when she couldn’t even choose cutlery.
“He dictated where and how our money would be spent,” she said. “He had a new vehicle while I’d had an old one or none at all. Even though I worked all my life, he picked out all the furniture, right down to the cutlery.”
For years, she endured screaming, yelling and name-calling.
“I tolerated it because I always thought it would get better,” said Mary, adding that her husband’s mood would change from one minute to the next. “I thought since he never physically hurt me, it wasn’t serious. Now when women say that to me, I get sick to my stomach.”
After she left him, he hounded her with texts and threats to make her life hell, she said.
“It was intimidation. He was so controlling,” Mary said. “When we split, I was scared he would come through the door at me.”
She finally got the nerve to go to the police, with the hope of getting an emergency protection order (EPO) and support. She got neither, she said. “It was 5:30 p.m., and (the officer) gave me the feeling like I was bothering him,” she said.
“He asked me why I was there and not at my lawyer’s office. I was told I could apply for an EPO 24-7.
“I felt so small. I felt belittled. I was pretty much told that unless I was beaten, there’s nothing they could do for me. (The officer) advised me to go to my lawyer for an EPO. He made me feel like I was wasting his time.
“As I walked out, they had the purple ribbons (signifying respect for women) on the door. I pointed at them and said, ‘That’s why I’m here.’”
While she waited in the lobby for her ride, she cried.
“All we’re hearing in the media is talk about violence against women, but what about women like us? Where are our resources and why aren’t they made more easily available to us?” she said. “It’s so frustrating.”
She said resources for women suffering from non-physical abuse are not as readily available.
A short time after her ordeal, Mary discovered her co-worker, Sarah, was also suffering abuse from her ex-boyfriend.
“For the first six months, he was so charming, but then he started acting so strange,” Sarah said. “It was obvious he had a mental illness. There were times when he was a raging lunatic.”
After the man had a mental breakdown, Sarah helped him get psychiatric help.
“He wanted to get better, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt,” she said.
Once he was diagnosed as being bipolar, she thought things would improve. They didn’t. He wasn’t compliant with his medications and his behaviour spun out of control.
Finally, she decided she had to end the relationship.
That was two years ago. Six months ago, the man contacted her, sending her emails, threatening to tell lies about her to friends and family to destroy her reputation. His emails gave her an indication he knew a lot about her life. She discovered he had remembered her Facebook and email passwords and had been probing into her personal messages.
“I’m scared to death what he might do,” Sarah said. “He was obviously off his meds.”
Sarah called the man’s mother, who recommended she lock her doors and windows.
“He’s very unpredictable when he’s off his meds and right now, he’s manic, delusional. He thinks he’s God.”
She, too, went to police, expressing her fear, but said she got the same response as Mary.
She showed officers the man’s messages to her, but because there were no overt threats of physical violence, there was nothing they could do, she said.
“I kept saying, ‘You don’t know this individual like I know him. There are underlying subtle threats in there,’ but there’s nothing they could do.”
When she went to court to get a peace bond, her ex-boyfriend didn’t show up and he couldn’t be located by the court.
His family told her he had been admitted to the Waterford Hospital, yet staff claimed he wasn’t there, she said.
When she returned to court a second time, he was again a noshow.
“I have no idea what to do. I’m trying to move on with my life and I want this to stop,” she said.
“Now he’s messaging me, telling me he will intentionally go off his meds to get away with anything. I can’t get any help.”
The women decided that together they would go to Victim Services.
“They kept saying, ‘Unfortunately, we can’t help you,’” Mary said. “Unbelievable! At least give us some kind of guidance!”
The women pointed out that people such as Ann Marie Shirran, who was murdered by her boyfriend, David Folker, and Triffie Wadman, whose boyfriend Trevor Pardy stands accused of her murder, were not physically abused.
“We don’t want it to come to that,” Mary said.
Lynn Moore — a St. John’s defence lawyer who is also head of the St. John’s Status of Women — said while she’s not familiar with their cases, there are provisions in the Criminal Code of Canada which protect people in such situations.
“You do not have to wait until you have a black eye,” she said.
Section 264 states that a person commits criminal harassment if they cause someone to fear for their safety or the safety of anyone known to them by a) repeatedly following them; b) repeatedly communicating with them, either directly or indirectly; c) watching someone’s house or workplace; or d) engaging in threatening conduct.
“Someone doesn’t have to come out and say, ‘I’m going to kill you,’” Moore said.
However, Const. Lindsay Dillon of the RNC’s domestic violence unit admits proving criminal harassment can be difficult.
Underlying subtle threats, name-calling and screaming don’t always warrant criminal charges. Messages, texts and comments can be interpreted in various ways, she said.
“It is a problem and it’s wrong, but unfortunately, a lot of the emotional and psychological abuse doesn’t fall under the Criminal Code,” Dillon said.
“It’s hard sometimes to draw the line and oftentimes, our hands are tied.”
For example, Dillon said, there’s a difference between forcible confinement — in which a person is forcibly prevented from moving freely against their will — and isolation, in which a person chooses to not move freely in order to keep the peace.
“Some just don’t leave the house because it’s going to start a racket,” Dillon said. “So, they end up staying home because it’s easier. She’s not physically restrained, but it’s emotional abuse.”
Dillon said there are steps people who are experiencing this kind of abuse can take. She said the courts offer EPOs and peace bonds, while police can provide information about what to do.
But she advises people who feel abused to get help — go to police, a doctor, a counsellor or a friend.
“I know it’s really difficult because the victim loves the person and believes things will get better, but it gets worse and worse,” Dillon said.
“So my advice is to reach out to people.”
Mary and Sarah did reach out. And while they didn’t get the help they needed, they hope speaking out publicly will help other people in similar situations.
“But more resources are needed,” Mary said. “It’s time (the government) realize there’s more than one kind of abuse.”
“I know it’s really difficult because the victim loves the person and believes things will get better, but it gets worse and worse.”
Const. Lindsay Dillon