Tracking the alpha rat

By popular demand and civic duty, this column will once again be “in the rats.” Readers have written, offering me wine, and other rat recipes to get the secret of NRR (Newman’s Rat Recipe). John M. came across Pinesol as a deterrent and now his plan is to pour it in the small opening of the foundation where the rats have created their home and then plant Newman’s recipe along the foundation base on either side of the opening. He also mentioned Old Country ammonia and baiting traps with peanut butter and sardines. Barbara hasn’t got the heart to trap tiny mice so she’s hoping N.R.R. will work for mice too.

Readers have talked to me about their personal experiences. How about walking down a street leading to the waterfront just as a wrecking ball hit one of the old buildings and facing a horde of rats racing up the hill?

How about dreading the trap more than the rat? “I’m in my mid-sixties and have been pretty fearless about most things but honestly, I can’t help fearing that one of these days a Victory Rat Trap will eat a finger(s) while baiting the damn thing. I get a tingly feeling in my hands when I handle them. Call it mid-sixties onset rat-trap cowardice.”

I did some research into rat facts. Inquiring minds want to know. I now know more about rats than I ever thought I would or want to, such as that they are the most intelligent of rodents and are able to differentiate between different humans! (Maybe they’re at your place because they like you. How sweet is that?) They are smart enough to avoid anything new in their territory. And, if, as happened to Newman, you are unfortunate enough to end up with a live rat squealing in your trap, chances are slim that you will ever catch another one.

And, rat authorities say, you will never catch the alpha (king) rat in a trap.

I already knew the alpha rat theory but there wasn’t space in the last ratty column to tell you about it. I’m going to try my best not to take any obvious cheap shots, but rats, it seems, are a male-dominated society. Alpha rats have assistant rats that “aid them in making sure things move along smoothly and without conflict.” (I’m trying, I’m really trying.)

So I will point out that all male rats are not alpha rats and there is only one in each community. However an alpha rat is never a female, who, by the way, can produce up to six litters a year of up to 12 rattlings or rattettes. (The actual term is pups or kittens, but I don’t like that.) So, the thing is, you can trap females and young for all you’re worth, but they’ll keep coming as long as there is an alpha rat. The alpha rat also keeps juvenile males away from food and mating partners, so they often leave and set up their own communities or wait until they get bigger and come back and take on the older alpha rat and take over the harem.

I think the alpha rat is the one that Newman got or drove away with his potion. After all his trapping successes we knew there was one left, but could not entice it into a trap. He would obviously be the kind of cook who uses “a pinch of this and a bit of that” because his recipe is not exactly precise; one cup each of drywall spackle and rolled oats (probably any oats would work), a couple of cookies (any kind) and a few drops of sesame oil, all smooshed up together. Put it in a plastic container with a little hole cut in it so they can get in. Don’t ask me why but apparently the sesame oil is essential.

I, too, dread the trap more than the rat and I don’t mind admitting being thankful that I’ve always had an alpha to bait traps for me.

The bird feeders go up soon.

And the cycle begins again.