Raising teens isn’t for the faint of heart
The turbulent years of change in a teenager’s life can be even rougher when dealing with mental-health issues
When you ask Lucinda Arsenault what it’s like to parent two teenagers — not to mention two younger children ready to hit their teen years soon — she admits that life in the Arsenault household is filled with highs and lows.
As a family, they have been dealing with mental-health issues since 17-year-old Xander was diagnosed with social anxiety at the age of eight.
“We struggle with mental health in our house and it’s something we’ve always been open and honest about,” Arsenault said.
Even when her children may find those conversations tough or embarrassing, Arsenault and her husband, Trevor, work hard to keep the lines of communication open.
Due to Trevor’s position with the RCMP, the family has made several moves, including spending six years in Norton, N.B., followed by a move to Cape Breton, N.S., and, finally, to New Glasgow, Lucinda’s hometown in Nova Scotia, where they have resided for the last five years.
“Moving didn’t help (with anxiety). Xander got the worst of it because he’s the oldest and remembers the most and has endured the most. When we moved to New Glasgow, I remember his first hockey practice when he walked in the rink and had an anxiety attack in the lobby.”
Raising teens can be mentally and emotionally exhausting, but Arsenault notes, when you are dealing with mental-health issues as well, a parent’s job becomes that much more challenging.
“My daughter, Joey, (15 years old) was in tears yesterday and had to be picked up from school. She’s struggling and trying to navigate those feelings of depression and she’s still growing and developing and it’s a tough time. There’s a lot of pressure on them for academics and knowing what they want to do after school and have their life figured out.”
As Trevor and Lucinda guide their oldest children through their Grade 10 and Grade 12 years, they will only have a brief reprieve before their youngest two, Tateon and Bailey, are in their teens.
“I feel like I’m bracing myself for Round 2. I’ve learned a lot from Xander — about anxiety and mental health — and I’ve learned a lot about myself because I didn’t know I had anxiety until he was diagnosed. All of our children have some anxiety. It affects them differently and I’m learning that some behaviours are not just tiredness or attitude. It’s anxiety representing itself in certain behaviours. We have a better understanding so, while we still struggle, we recognize it quicker and rebound a little quicker.”
While there are difficult times, there is much joy as well. Those good moments are treasured even more in their household. The Arsenault teens work through their anxiety to reach some of the milestones others take for granted.
One example is earning a driver’s licence.
“For a kid with high anxiety, getting your licence is a terrifying thing to do. To see him push through to do that is really rewarding. The highs are high and the lows are low. But when Xander is on that high and he’s happy, he has this smile that lights up the room. The good is really good.”
FROM KID TO ADULT
For the Mercer family of St. John’s, the normal challenges of navigating teenage years were complicated even further by the COVID-19 pandemic, which shut the province down for the first time in March 2020. At that time, Sheri explains, her son, Blake, was just signing up to begin his training with the Canadian Armed Forces and her daughter, Mckenna, was partway through Grade 11.
“They didn’t get to fully experience some of the best years of their lives,” Sheri says, referring to her daughter’s high school experience. “They didn’t go to parties or have those introductory relationships where you are trying to figure things out. They completely missed out on those fun parts of high school where you start to find out what it’s like to be an adult, but without all the heavy responsibilities.”
The gap in that gradual transition to adulthood is still being felt by Mckenna, who is now 19.
“Mckenna missed those best years, so as 19- and 20-yearolds, many of these kids are still acting like 17- and 18-year-olds. They are still doing the things they never got to finish in high school.”
Sheri and her husband, Scott, added that self-isolation affected everyone in their household differently, but hit their daughter especially hard.
“She’s a competitive dancer and a competitive figure skater, so the minute they shut those things down, she went from being a kid who was famous for saying, ‘I love my life,’ to a kid who struggled with depression because everything she loved and everything she did got taken away. I think she lost some of who she was and what she identified as.”
The family got through it by getting outside together as much as possible, enjoying the positive impact physical activity can have on mental health. The Mercers also made a point to plan for some fun together when restrictions were lifted.
With Mckenna now in the last year of her teen years, Sheri reflects on their approach to raising wellrounded teenagers who stayed out of trouble.
“I think the key is to keep them active. You have to give them a reason that, when everyone is at a party Friday night and there’s underage drinking and drugs going on, they have a reason to say no. And because Mom and Dad said it’s not allowed is not a good enough reason. When they have something that they personally want to perform their best at, like a game or competition, they can say, ‘No I can’t get drunk because I have to be up in the morning to compete.’ You have to give them the freedom to make those decisions. They need that reason to say ‘no.’”
A WORD OF ADVICE
If you find yourself about to tackle those daunting teenage years, these two families have some things for other parents to keep in mind.
For the Arsenault family, their mantra is, “Don’t take things personally.”
“Teens will say things that are very hurtful,” Lucinda said. “These are the people you love the most in the world because they’re your babies, but the things they say can hurt the most. Try and have compassion. If you have that empathy for someone, it’s tough to be mad at them. Take a deep breath and try not to take their words personally. Remember that it comes from a place of struggle.”
For the Mercers, it’s about finding that balance of keeping children busy, while still carving out time for yourself as an individual, something they are still working on to this day, Sheri says.
“We ran ourselves ragged with our kids when they were small. They were involved in so much and, looking back now, I wish we had taken more family time. I love the fact we spent every moment with them, but I wish we had carved out more time for us as adults and continued something that we ourselves were interested in, because we are still young, the kids are grown and now (Scott and I) are struggling to remember what we like to do. I would tell other families to stay involved in your kids’ lives and keep them busy, but carve out time for yourself.”