Breaking down walls
Children should be with whoever makes them happy
MONTREAL — Before my grandfather passed away, he told me: “Marry who you love, no matter the race or gender. Be with whoever makes you happy.”
Coming from a man whose generation did not always accept same-sex marriage, this was a very strong statement. Today, we see many labels: gay, lesbian, transgender, asexual, non-binary and others. Most people have a family member or friend who has come out.
While society has grown more accepting, how can we accept our children for who they are no matter our own upbringing? The answer is simple, albeit difficult for some: love.
Poets, writers and songwriters have always expressed the same message: with love there is peace, with acceptance, there is love. What does it matter who our children care for if they are happy? Love and happiness are contagious. If only we would be open to the idea that love goes above and beyond the physical being. Love is a soul connection, an appreciation of another person.
A student once asked how they could be accepting of LGBTQ2+ people if their religion clearly states it is taboo or forbidden. I replied that as humans we have a choice. Abiding by religion is important to many, but as individuals we can choose to respect the choices of others. Sexuality does not make you a lesser person or contributor to society. If we’re being real, there are good people and there are bad people associated with every group in society.
As a young teacher with friends in the LGBTQ2+ community, I asked what it was like coming out to their parents, and what they needed to feel comfortable. The answer was consistent: They wanted to feel they would be loved and accepted, no matter what.
I have known students who identified from an early age with part of an LGBTQ2+ community. It caused them a great deal of anxiety because they were confused about what was “right” and were afraid to upset a parent.
It is important to keep the conversation open and nonbiased. You may not be OK with everything your kid does, but no two beings are exactly alike. Your kids are going to experiment and explore. How open they are through this process is partially up to you. Here are some tips:
Be open with your kids about your feelings. Show that it’s OK to have feelings. You’re modelling how to deal with different emotions in a positive way.
Talk about everything. If your kids feel like they can talk to you, you are on the right path. Though you might not enjoy everything they have to say, keep an open mind. I had a relationship like this with my mom and I never felt the need to hide or lie about what I was doing or what I wanted. Believe me, it makes a world of a difference — and that’s even with the constant eyerolls and heated lectures (love you, Mom!).
Don’t shut your kids out. Support them. It’s so much easier to deal with a little short-term discomfort about a topic or decision than to deal with a lifetime of resentment and negativity.
Ask questions and continue to learn. Ask your kids questions and show interest. It is always good to learn something new. Inform yourself on topics that make you uneasy.
Remember that no matter what, we all have strengths and weaknesses. We have ideologies and discomforts. There are so many forces that are out of our control. Accept what you cannot change and remember, in the wise words of The Beatles, love is all you need.