We don’t talk enough
‘We have gotten away from the social graces of chit chat’
Unfortunately, small talk is happening a lot less than it used to. Is it a dying art? With easier and faster ways of communicating with others, is small talk even a necessary skill anymore? To get to the heart of the matter, Gaylene Nicholson who teaches communication at Holland College in Charlottetown, P.E.I., weighs in on the matter.
“Because we are able to take care of business without human interaction, we have gotten away from the social graces of chit chat,” said Nicholson.
For example, we deal with online booking apps; shop via online grocery stores or use self-checkouts; and converse through text and e-mail messages, she says. This means, for many young people, the notion of that face-to-face interaction or phone conversation is quite stressful.
“Our time in isolation during Covid magnified the situation and created change in the way we interact,” she said.
Nicholson has even witnessed a reduction of small talk amongst her students. Her students used to visit while waiting for class to begin. Now the class is quiet while students focus on phones or laptops, she says.
“I also believe that some young adults question the value of smart talk; to some, it seems fake and disingenuous,” said Nicholson.
On top of that, she says more young adults seem to identify now as being introverted which means that social interactions can be draining. Phones can save us from dealing with others and the discomfort that goes along with that, she says.
HOW TO START UP A CONVERSATION
Nicholson says appropriate conversation starters can vary for each situation.
1. Ask questions. Typically, we enjoy talking about ourselves, so when striking up a conversation, ask a stranger or acquaintance about his or her own life, their interests, work, hobbies, or family, she suggests.
We need to be careful that we don’t make assumptions and watch the language that we use, says Nicholson.
For example, we shouldn’t assume heteronormative ideals. “Do you have a partner?” is a much less assuming than asking about a wife or a husband, she says. Another assumption is that ‘family’ requires a husband, wife, and children. These types of assumptions can be uncomfortable and put an end to the small talk.
2. Introduce yourself. A good practice is to introduce ourselves, especially if we are involved in an activity with another person, says Nicholson. To help with this, she encourages her students to practice introducing themselves in social situations as this can be a bit stress-inducing.
“Once introductions are behind us, we often feel more relaxed, especially if it is someone that we should already know,” said Nicholson.
3. Give a compliment. Sincere compliments are also great icebreakers. For example, we should feel free to say something pleasant about our counterpart. These gestures can often open the door to common interests. For example, “I like your tattoo. Does that have special meaning?” or “Nice shirt! Do you cheer for that team?” Pets are an amazing way for people to connect, suggests Nicholson.
KEEPING A CONVERSATION GOING
Nicholson says if we can find a common interest, the conversation typically takes care of itself.
It is also important that we read the room, she says. If our counterpart is clearly not interested, we may need accept that and move on. The last thing we want to do is monopolize the conversation. To this end, an important aspect of being a good conversationalist is being a good listener.
ENDING A CONVERSATION
We want to end our conversations as politely as possible, especially since this is what our counterparts will remember, says Nicholson.
It’s important to provide an excuse or rationale for leaving the conversation such as mentioning another person who is with me, or a trip to the washroom, or another time commitment.
It’s also important that we let that person know that we valued our time together, and we are not just blowing them off. “I hope to see you again soon” or “It’s been so great to catch up” is a cordial reminder that this has been an enjoyable encounter, she advises.
PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT
“Like any other skill, social skills become easier the more we practice them,” said Nicholson.
We often have to push ourselves into social situations which can be very uncomfortable. For example, Nicholson participates in a lot of sports such as golfing, curling, running, and group exercise classes which provide many opportunities for introductions and small talk. Although she realizes not everyone enjoys sports and exercise, there are other community activities such as a visit to the dog park, lunch (without the smart phone) in the staffroom, volunteering for a community organization, or sitting at a lunch counter at a restaurant which can also provide opportunities for chit chat.
To gain further skills, Nicholson encourages her students to volunteer at industry events. Doing something like managing the coat check or overseeing registration gives them a task while providing exposure to industry leaders and allowing them to practice small talk. They get a chance to wear a name tag and might even be remembered down the road, she says.
And now that Covid lockdowns are behind us, social activities such as weddings, networking events, and conferences are on the rise again. Sometimes it can be difficult to engage with others at these events who are already visiting within their own groups.
In these situations, Nicholson suggests looking for an ‘open’ group of three people who seem to be chatting casually. By joining three others, we tend to ‘close’ the group. Once we close the group, we are on our way, she says.
Apparently, women are more open to engagement, so we should keep an eye out for groups with at least one woman who will be inclusive, suggests Nicholson.
Finally, it is helpful to have a drink of some sort in our hands. It doesn’t have to be alcohol; we just need to have something in our hands like coffee, water, or juice to help us relax.
Again, be prepared to listen to others; don’t try to dominate, stresses Nicholson.
GETTING OVER THE FEAR AND ANXIETY
Oftentimes, many people avoid chit chat with others because they fear feeling anxious, and fear rejection.
Again, Nicholson says the best way to get over this fear of rejection is to find others with common interests and practice, practice, practice!
“These interactions put us at ease, and positive human connections are very important to our emotional wellbeing,” adds Nicholson.
THE IMPORTANCE OF CHIT CHAT
As a communications instructor, Nicholson says she often lectures students on the importance of making connections with others. If we don’t take the time for chit chat, we will not make those connections.
Small talk also puts us at ease in typically stressful situations such as a job interview or a medical appointment.
If we can start these meetings off on the right foot with some pleasant chatter, chances are we will be more relaxed, and the encounter will be better for everyone involved, she says.
With a little bit of practice, the art of chit chat will get easier, and everyone will be better because of it.