Solid trios
East Coast parents share why they have no regrets about choosing to have one child
Smaller families are no longer the exception, say these three East Coast couples who share why — whether for social, economic or health considerations — stopping at one child is a plus.
Before becoming a mother, Audrey Duggan says she never had that maternal instinct that she saw among her relatives and friends, and she worried about losing her career and identity after graduation in 2008 amid the most severe financial crisis since the Great Depression.
“I grew up in Maine, U.S., with one older sister. My parents were the next generation, bucking the large family trend. My mother was the youngest of nine children, and my dad was in the middle of six, so I have 27 first cousins,” Duggan said about her background. “But then I met Colin from Antigonish, N.S. Colin’s parents were also from large families but had three children, so it was a similar trend of having less. After I married Colin in 2012, we moved to his hometown nine years ago, and his cousins all lived nearby, so there’s always been lots of people around and never a feeling of isolation.”
The couple discussed having children, but Duggan admits she feared the idea.
“I didn’t want to be a mother for a long time until I met Colin. I couldn’t see myself as a housewife. But I began to think about bringing another person into the world and raising them because I could see Colin being an amazing father — and he is.”
At 34, Duggan welcomed her daughter, Elliot (“Ellie”), and the couple became a solid trio.
But while motherhood has been extremely rewarding for Duggan, it had unintended consequences for her career as an event and wedding planner, she says.
The “motherhood penalty” meant Duggan had to scramble to find a new job.
“Having a child was devastating for my career,” she said. “I was very successful, but I was out of the job market when I became a mother. With sheer determination, Colin and I set up work from home, and now, financially, we’re doing OK. But since I’m turning 40 this year, I wouldn’t want to have another kid, at least biological.”
Duggan says her daughter’s social development has not been affected by foregoing siblings.
Instead, she has a sense of independence, confidence and the attention she needs to succeed.
“And our home is super chill and happy with just the one,” said Duggan.
Families are shrinking as the years go by, and Andrea Wheeler, from St. John’s, can identify with this modern shift. There’s even a day marking families with only children on April 12.
“My husband and I both grew up with one sibling. We each have a brother. My husband is relatively close with his brother, but not so much on my side. And neither of us had a lot of cousins, so we became accustomed to smaller households,” said Wheeler. “When we started seriously discussing having a baby, we decided early on that we would only have one. It was an easy choice. We both agreed that we wanted to put our all into our one child and give them the best possible life we could provide.”
The last few years have solidified that decision for the couple.
“Our son was born in April 2020 and, of course, the cost of living has ballooned since then, along with the fact that childcare in Newfoundland is extremely hard to come by with years-long waitlists for registered daycare centres,” Wheeler said. “Because of the increased costs of groceries, mortgage rates, etc., it has become clear that we made the right choice, and we truly are a one-child family. We don’t regret our choice and are happy we stuck with our original plan.”
How kids are raised by their parents is key — not sibling status, argues Shadia Mattatall, who lives on the North Shore in N.S.
“I grew up in Nova Scotia, but my parents immigrated. So, my dad came from a large family of six siblings, and my mother came from a smaller family where she was one of two. But together, they had five children in seven years, so
I grew up with many siblings,” said Mattatall. “But there have been times in my life when my siblings hurt me more than anybody else. Not all siblings get along; it depends on how they are raised. Our parents did their best. But our daughter can learn what healthy relationships look like because while you can’t choose your family, you can choose your friends.”
Mattatall got married at 37 after dating her husband for five years and then had her daughter at 38. She says her daughter is exposed to other children and there are “no feelings of guilt.”
And she says being “advanced maternal age” plays another factor in why they stopped at one.
“It was challenging to adjust to motherhood after so many years. There was a lack of sleep and personal time, stopping and starting a career, including not having the extra hands to help around the home, cook healthy meals, etc. Many women can juggle these things, but it also depends on the child’s temperament,” said Mattatall, now 42. “I love my daughter to bits, but that first year was challenging.”
Mattatall says their life is complete with one child, a dog (Molly) that needs daily walks and a snuggly cat (Toby) that requires a lot of attention.
“I know my daughter’s needs, and we are so close. I can ask her what she wants to do in the day and cater to her decision while juggling working flexible hours as a nurse and setting up a side hustle from home in network marketing so I can be closer to her.”
If Mattatall had more than one child, she says their family would be balancing their finances on a single income while the cost of living continues to climb.
“I’ve managed to save around $10,000 for my daughter’s education fund, she goes skating and is involved in many activities, and we love our family time,” said Mattatall.
Despite the negative stereotypes of an only child, Mattatall reassures her daughter is “generous, patient, kind and empathetic” at just four years old.
“And we all know our limitations as parents, and it’s our duty to ourselves and our families to respect them. For my family, our hearts are full. Truly,” she said.