Daughter wonders how to disclose alcoholism

Dear Amy: My mom died several years ago, and my father has remarried. The woman he married is an alcoholic.

Dad seems to be in denial about this fact, or, perhaps he simply doesn’t care. When my siblings and I have confronted Dad about her alcoholism, he gets uncomfortable, makes excuses and changes the subject.

For years, my siblings and I have told our children that they are never to get in a car with her because she is an “unsafe driver.”

The children are now coming to an age where they are asking questions, wondering why they can’t get into a car with her, why she acts the way she does (falling; stumbling; slurring words; going to bed very early; breaking bones; being downright nasty).

My children are visibly uncomfortable and scared when she is around, and I can’t lie to them any longer. I feel that by keeping this secret from them, I am condoning her behaviour, which is not the message I want to send to almost-teenagers about substance abuse.

My siblings think telling my children will result in a major rift, with Dad deciding not to see us any longer. As painful as that would be, I am prepared for that because I need to protect my children. But I’m concerned I will upset my siblings to the point that I will lose both Dad and my siblings.

What can I do to minimize the hurt to all involved? Should I continue as we have and say nothing to my children, or should I answer their questions honestly? — CONCERNED DAUGHTER Dear Concerned: Your kids have already picked up on the fact that something is wrong. Having that confirmed may upset them, but it may come as a relief too. Please, do NOT present this as a value judgment (even though you seem bitter about it), but as an unfortunate reality about a family member.

Your father’s wife has a disease, and it is called alcoholism. By being honest with your children, you are showing them that their instincts telling them something was wrong were good. You should talk to them regularly about alcohol use. Obviously, they will be facing risks and temptations in their own lives.

If you haven’t done so already, you should consider finding an AlAnon group in your area. Talking with others in similar situations may allow you to respond more compassionately. Compassion is definitely called for.