Demeaning behaviour
Q. My wife of 16 years recently reconnected with an “old” friend who was widowed several years ago. He’s a very successful businessperson, nearly 20 years her senior.
She recently flew alone to another city to surprise him at an “event” he hosted. She was gone for three days.
Now, whenever he flies into our city, she meets him for dinner (I’m not invited).
My wife’s just told me that he’s invited her to a wedding as his date later this summer in cottage country and she’s gladly accepted. Another weekend with this guy alone.
She assures me it’s only a “friendship” and she’d get her own room. She says I have “nothing to worry about ... that I’m being a big baby.” I’m uncomfortable with their renewed relationship, now texting and talking on a regular basis.
A. Even if you trust her completely, the optics of your own image are disrespectful to you, and she should know that.
Just imagine how she’d react if you started travelling to be a date for a long-ago female friend, with her left uninvited to join! Present this comparative scenario to her.
You’re not being “a baby” — rather, a loving, concerned, and hurt husband.
She’s enjoying the attention of a man who exudes power from his position and wealth, and who makes the get-togethers seem natural to their old friendship, due to his loss.
All understandable, except that she’s dismissing how uncomfortable you are and how it appears to others.
Unless he’d communicated with you (and thanked you) and your feelings about this matter to her, it’s demeaning, even if there’s no cheating involved.
Be open and honest about past
Q. Recently (June 12), you advised that a husband deserved the truth about the wife’s past as a dancer and escort.
I previously worked as an escort to help finance my college education and then graduate school. I now have a very respectable career. I’m not ashamed of my past, but it’s not something I’d openly share.
Now I’m single and actively dating. When I do find someone and there’s potential for a genuine relationship, should I tell him about my past?
Or better to leave it in the past?
A. The problem with “the past” is that it often doesn’t stay there. It creeps into your present and upsets those who have attitudes toward it, or about not being told sooner.
This possibility is even more likely if your previous escort work involved a lot of clients, or some in your current locale. Bumping into just one who makes insensitive remarks could set off someone you’re dating. He may actually have been very accepting had he already known from you about it. But hearing disclosure from someone else is often harder to take.
Besides, would you really want to be with a man who’d be very reactionary against what you did to finance your education and achieve the job, responsibilities and lifestyle that attracts him to whom you are today?
It doesn’t have to be told right after “hello.” But if you think there’s potential for a relationship, be open and honest. The reaction you get will say more about that person’s character than yours.
Leave and feel safe
Feedback regarding the woman’s partner whose angry outbursts and blaming are increasing (June 9):
Reader: “Your advice was “spot” on. These are red flags! He didn’t randomly start getting angry; it was always there, he just previously hid it well.
“Initially, when the relationship occurred alternating weekends, he was on his best behaviour. Accepting his verbal, mental, and emotional abuse is telling him, “I’m OK being treated this way.
“He’s a bully. She doesn’t see it yet but she’s losing self-confidence every day and soon he won’t be able to “make (her) laugh” anymore.”
Ellie: As you understand from personal experience, her “love” for him reflects the self-doubts he’s instilled in her.
She needs to leave and feel safe.