Abusive brother needs help
Q. Several years ago, my brother left his job to go on long-term disability. He blamed his manager for bullying.
He tried to convince everyone that the company and union were against him.
He’s grown increasingly agitated and suspicious of everyone, particularly his relatives. Despite helping him out greatly in the past year, he recently cut ties with me in an email that hinted at physical violence.
Now there’s zero chance I’ll communicate with him and risk further abuse.
He’s cut ties with all family and calls his doctors and psychologist incompetent. He reacts with rage if anyone even mentions mental health issues.
How can we get him the help he needs? Do we wait until he spins out of control, potentially hurting himself and others?
A. He surely needs help, but so do you in response. This double-barrelled dilemma is too huge a responsibility to stay distant from, and too hard to handle without professional guidance for you.
Take the time and effort to explore what’s available in your community, regarding mental health assessment, anger management, depression and paranoia. While you can’t force him to get help, it’s dangerous to ignore him until something drastic occurs.
See a mental health specialist separate from his to avoid confidentiality issues.
Learn the signs when you and other family members can consider an intervention, and when police should be involved.
There’s social responsibility in trying to find out how to prevent a disaster to himself and others from happening.
Secrecy is what cheaters want
Feedback: The topic of whether to “out a cheater” draws even more personal stories and opinion (July 7):
Reader 1: “Twenty years ago I had an affair with an employee, after over eight years of working closely together. Neither of us were happy in our then-marriages.
“The other staff members reacted with self-righteous anger...
“One sent a poison pen letter to her home, but she opened it herself. One spoke on her phone message system with an electronically-altered voice, but she played (it) herself.
“We hung in and finally disclosed when our children were all older.
“We’ve had, so far, a happy 20-year marriage and thumb our noses secretly at those toxic, interfering zealots.”
Reader 2: “When my husband got a new job, the children and I stayed behind to sell our home, which took one year.
“When we arrived, he was into a one-year affair with someone he’d brought into our new home and with whom I became friends.
“I later learned that family and friends knew of this affair and didn’t tell me. If I’d known, we wouldn’t have moved.
“Yes, I should’ve been told.”
Reader 3: “I’ve been cheated on several times, and every time mutual friends who’d known later said, ‘I wanted to stay out of it.’
“I hadn’t created an uncomfortable situation for them, my cheating partner did that.
“By saying nothing they are choosing a side — the side of the cheater since secrecy is what they want.”
Avoid the badmouthing gossips
Q. I didn’t fit in with the popular crowd while I was in it for a year. I got picked on and didn’t handle it well. I was called a ‘whore’ and ‘slut’ when I hadn’t even had my first kiss.
I decided I’d show them! I made a lot of mistakes with guys (sexually) and the rumours are too much for me to handle.
I have a therapist and have stopped everything I was once doing, but nothing has changed.
A. Keep seeing the therapist. Avoid the badmouthing gossips.
When you’re not around for them to bait, they’ll get bored and find another victim for their need to look superior.
You’ve learned an early important lesson: This “popular” crowd is only high on itself by putting down others.
Be true to your own values, and you’ll find true friends.