Stay away from friends’ leer­ing, creepy hus­bands

The Welland Tribune - - Arts & Life - Ad­vice Columnist Opin­ion EL­LIE

Q: Dur­ing my friend’s three-week stay with a mar­ried cou­ple, the hus­band con­stantly tried to grab her butt and crotch when­ever his wife wasn’t around. Fi­nally, he stole one of my friend’s un­der­wear and wouldn’t re­turn it un­less she went to the base­ment and mod­elled thongs that he’d bought her.

My friend re­peat­edly told him she isn’t in­ter­ested in him, she has a boyfriend. She’s adamant she won’t ever go back. Since she didn’t tell her girl­friend (the wife) any­thing, what should she do? Sim­i­lar things hap­pened on a pre­vi­ous visit but the forced mod­el­ling is new. An­other time, the wife saw her hus­band grab my friend, then blamed her.

P.S. — Some­thing sim­i­lar hap­pened when my friend was with an­other mar­ried cou­ple, and when she did tell this wife, he was kicked out … but then the wife took him back and dumped my friend.

A: Your friend should avoid that first man’s pres­ence around her any­where. He has no re­gard or re­spect for her, his wife, nor the women’s friend­ship. She must refuse any fur­ther con­tact with him. ,

She car­ries no blame for his be­hav­iour, but she needs to learn to pro­tect her­self. Bet­ter to lose un­der­wear than to have gone into the base­ment to sat­isfy the man’s gawk­ing and lust. That a sim­i­lar in­ci­dent hap­pened to her with an­other man and cost her a friend­ship with his wife, is now too many ex­pe­ri­ences of this kind. Dis­cuss with her the ob­vi­ous red flags she needs to rec­og­nize: Mar­ried men who leer at her or try to get close when she’s alone. She’s been too trust­ing.

Tired of the drama

Q: My friend of 10 years is a drama queen who can be warm and gen­er­ous, but al­ways steals the “poor-me” lime­light even when I’m the one with a se­ri­ous prob­lem.

Ex­am­ple: I lost my job sev­eral months ago so am liv­ing on a very re­duced bud­get. She in­vited me out for a restau­rant meal which felt very kind. How­ever, she whined through­out about be­ing un­able to af­ford the big­ger, fancier car she wants and had to set­tle for an­other still brand-new car! She and her live-in boyfriend have booked a two-week va­ca­tion south, and she’s also com­plained re­peat­edly that it means he won’t be buy­ing the watch she wants for Christ­mas.

Yet, she calls pretty reg­u­larly to see how I’m do­ing, and brought a warm meal for us to share one re­cent cold night. Un­for­tu­nately, her good­ness comes with her dra­mas about what’s not per­fect in her life. I’m un­sure how long I can take this dur­ing my low pe­riod. Even when work­ing, my lifestyle’s much sim­pler.

A: You’re both get­ting some­thing out of this friend­ship, so de­cide if it’s worth it to you. Maybe, de­spite not ap­pre­ci­at­ing her “whin­ing,” you ac­tu­ally like the key­hole view of the seem­ingly lux­u­ri­ous life she de­scribes. Or maybe, though you have less ac­cess to “stuff,” her need­i­ness for it makes you feel stronger in char­ac­ter. Her com­plaints in­di­cate that nei­ther her boyfriend nor her ac­cu­mu­la­tion of good­ies are ever fully sat­is­fy­ing for her. Frankly, I don’t know how you’ve put up with her ma­te­ri­al­is­tic chat­ter and hunger this long. Your choices are to ei­ther ac­cept it, dis­cuss it or end it.

El­lie’s tip of the day

Avoid a friend’s lust­ful hus­band. No free stay is worth risk to you phys­i­cally/sex­u­ally, nor to the friend­ship.

Read El­lie Mon­day to Satur­day.

Email el­[email protected]­tar.ca or visit her web­site, el­liead­vice.com.

Fol­low @el­liead­vice

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