Charging to certain victory at a snail’s pace

WELL, IT HAS BEGUN. EVEN THOUGH MANY OF us are woefully unaware, North America is now under siege. Even as you read this, African snails are establishing a beachhead in Florida – that state being, once again, the thin edge of the wedge for bad news in America.

These snails are there now, and once Florida falls they’ll sweep across the landscape and subjugate humanity or at least those of us who can’t outrun them. It might take a while.

Still, more than 100,000 have been caught and destroyed in Florida thus far. But they reproduce quickly and can grow to be the size of rats. Worse still they carry diseases and are destructive – they love stucco for the calcium content. And stucco is essentially what Florida and most rec rooms in Ontario are made of. Be afraid.

Are they unstoppable? Like all invasive species, they present a real challenge. OK, let’s get real here. They are snails. They are not fast. They are not intelligent. I believe we can deal with them. I really do. I mean typically, if a creature walks around with its home on its back, it’s not a threat.

But you need a plan. As with any invasive creature, you need to figure out their weakness and then devise a way to exploit it.

In this case, two things immediately come to mind – their speed and their potential value to French cuisine. And let’s not forget that some turtles love to eat snails too. OK, so if knowledge is power, I’m underpowered – but at least it’s a start.

With this in mind, I am now in the process of assembling a crack mercenary team of 1,000 French chefs. I’m hoping to form an elite escargot-making brigade. Needless to say, it will be a mounted unit, so that we can keep up. Which is also why I am hoping to acquire 1,000 or so Galapagos tortoises – the world’s largest turtle-like creature.

Admittedly, it will take time to break each tortoise to the point where they won’t buck and throw their riders, but that’s alright: The snails aren’t going anywhere too fast.

And, before you say I’m delusional, yes, I know that Galapagos tortoises don’t eat snails – I’ve done my homework.

But I don’t need them to eat snails; I need them to put the fear of god into snails.

Think about it. Imagine you are an African snail and you suddenly see the approach of a French chef heating up butter on a portable stove strapped onto the back of the biggest turtle-like creature you have ever seen. Believe me, this is a snail’s worst nightmare.

If you are a snail, you will turn and then flee.

I figure, once my unit gets organized and outfitted, we can drive the snails out of Florida in 20 to 30 years. This might seem like a long time, but it’s all relative. Bear in mind that even a simple charge by my unit headlong into a snail stronghold will take a week. We are, after all, riding tortoises.

I can’t even estimate how long a running battle will take but I’m guessing at least a few months.

In any case, if the State of Florida hires us, we’ll get rid of the problem. Then, we’ll move onto the next issue – ridding Florida of Galapagos tortoises.

We’ll deal with that, however, when the time comes.