Giving the thirdgreatest gift of all

NOW THAT CHRISTMAS TIME is rapidly approaching, I’m sure we will hear plenty of songs and TV specials telling us about “the greatest gift of all.” For some, that phrase refers to the birth of the Saviour. For others, it describes the latest Xbox, an SUV or a huge flatscreen TV.

It really just depends on your world view, which is why I prefer not to wade into the matter.

I’d rather write about the one thing we rarely discuss and would probably all agree upon – the thirdgreatest gift of all. That being beef jerky.

I shouldn’t have to remind you of this, but the fact that I do just shows how far from traditional values our society has strayed. Here’s a case in point. I met a person the other day who claimed the third-greatest gift of all was “peace on earth and good will towards man.”

That’s when I pointed out that both things could easily be accomplished with the judicious use of beef jerky – the outdoorsman’s most precious gift. In fact, that’s how you know the

Three Wise Men weren’t outdoorsmen – they only gave frankincense, myrrh and gold.

This just shows that precious gifts are not the same in every culture. Some cultures, and mine is one of them, prefer venison jerky. Others love a good moose, caribou, bear, or elk jerky. I have also heard tell of a splinter group who prefer goose jerky and I have even known some who enjoy a turkey jerky, but I think that’s only because it is a lot of fun to say.

Call me a flaming liberal, if you like, but I’m open minded enough to believe all these things as well as actual beef can all be lumped under the allencompassing umbrella of beef jerky. What can I say? I’m all about celebrating diversity.

Having said that, don’t ever mention vegan jerky in my presence, for it is an abomination. Back to beef jerky. When someone asks, “what do you get the outdoorsman who has everything?” Beef jerky is clearly the answer. I know this is not what those who commercialize Christmas would have you believe, but it is true. No outdoorsman with all, or even some, of his teeth has ever complained about receiving the gift of beef jerky.

There are also those who would tell you that you should get the outdoorsman who has everything a dehydrator. This theory falls along the lines of that old saying, “Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he eats every day.”

And that would be fine except the second part should actually be, “Teach a man to fish and he will immediately tell all his friends about the great spot you took him to.”

That’s why it’s just far better to give a person beef jerky: they can’t say anything while chewing it.

The big question is how much?

Throughout history, the rule has always been you only give more than one package of jerky if you are about to offer a distant king your daughter’s hand in marriage to unite two great and vast empires.

Conversely, if you want to deliberately start a war, you would offer up three packages of vegan jerky, which is, as I said, an abomination and probably ranking somewhere around 1,274th in terms of greatest gifts.