Plenty of blame to share in making a bad call

I’m still not sure who to sue. I haven’t decided if it should be Bell Canada for providing the phone service or Apple for providing the phones. Or my friend Ron for malicious phone use. All I know is that the lawsuit will be primarily for emotional distress and phone-inflicted trauma. What happened?

Well, I was turkey hunting on opening morning and was calling two stubborn gobblers for quite a while, when they suddenly decided to come in hot and heavy, basically competing with each other to get to my hen decoys.

I had eased into position and had my gun up when I caught a glimpse of the first one’s head as he cleared the rise. In four or five more steps he would have been in a clear shooting lane and my day would have been finished by 6:59 a.m.

How do I know it was 6:59 a.m.?

Easy. Before those steps were taken, my phone rang – and it said 6:59 a.m. And, if you think a phone is loud in the house, wait until you hear it in the woods when there is no other sound but the footfalls of rapidly retreating wild turkeys and the quiet weeping of a grown man.

I have never hated a phone ringtone so much as “Dada dahhhh, dada dada dada dahhhh da da….”

After shaking my fist to the heavens and yelling “Why?!” I hung up without answering.

But not before noting that my friend Ron was the culprit. At 6:59 a.m. On a Monday morning. On the opening day of turkey season.

To be clear, Ron has never called me this early before, unless we were coordinating where to meet for a fishing trip.

But we were not doing that.

Instead, Ron was calling to return my call from two days ago. So – and I can only assume it is because he is a turkey sympathizer – he decided to call at 6:59 a.m. Did I mention that already?

His timing could not have been more damaging. Had he called a mere three seconds later, he would have been the first one to hear about the gobbler I just shot. Instead, he heard a lot of other things when I returned his call later that day.

Among them: “Who calls at 6:59 a.m.?” and “#@$ !!!! ...and another thing! $%#@@#!”

I know what you are thinking. I should sue Ron.

Really, I feel like Apple should be sued first.

There is not a single warning label on their phones that says “Caution: calling your friend at 6:59 a.m. on opening day of turkey season could be hazardous to your health.”

And secondly, there are no “Turkey season ringer shut off” buttons on any of their phones, which is clearly negligent.

I also believe that

Bell is to blame in many ways too. They have the technology to ensure that incoming calls to turkey hunters on opening day can be blocked. They just choose not to use it.

I know. I should have turned off my phone. But, honestly, in the excitement of opening day, I forgot. And, since I am

60, that is a legitimate excuse. So too is the belief that, “No one is going to call me at 6:59 a.m.”

I know, I know. I should sue Ron too. But he is my friend. Plus, I was a little harsh with him too. And I feel bad about that. I’ll probably call him to apologize on Sunday morning.

At 6:59 a.m.